


Komorebi

by ellekim94



Series: Sun and Moon [1]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Dysfunctional Family, HyuckNoRenMin!Friendship, M/M, Multi, YuTaeJohnIl!Friendship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-09
Updated: 2020-06-09
Packaged: 2021-03-03 21:42:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 24,744
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24632509
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ellekim94/pseuds/ellekim94
Summary: As if reading Taeil’s mind, Donghyuck suddenly said to no one in particular but in retrospect, maybe to all of them there, including himself, “I don’t care about whose blood recombined with whose. When everything goes to hell, the people who stand by you without flinching, they are your family.”
Relationships: Huang Ren Jun & Lee Donghyuck | Haechan & Lee Jeno & Na Jaemin, Huang Ren Jun/Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Lee Jeno/Na Jaemin, Lee Donghyuck | Haechan & Moon Taeil, Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Moon Taeil
Series: Sun and Moon [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1796563
Comments: 14
Kudos: 47





	Komorebi

**Author's Note:**

> Happy Birthday, Donghyuck! Let me pretend it was still June 6, 2020. This story was meant to be a birthday gift to Donghyuck who is a wonderful and beautiful human being. I love his love for his teammates especially Taeil and the energy he radiates is a blessing for me to this world. I hope he continue doing what he loves and I hope for his happiness because of how much he is making others happy, too. Do I sound too parental?
> 
> For the story, this is mostly Taeil centric and will mainly focus on Taeil’s life and his point of view. I just want to say that this is most definitely not a light, fluffy story. I put the angst tag there for a reason. But I read a story before that had a tag like ‘happy ending because life is shitty enough’ and I sort of imbibed that.
> 
> I didn’t realize the story will be this long. I probably didn’t proofread this enough because I just wanted to post it knowing how late it was as a birthday present for Donghyuck already so I’ll appreciate if you can overlook minor mistakes.
> 
> Do enjoy reading.

Taeil _hated_ seeing blood. It wasn’t that irrational fear of blood, like a phobia, but ever since he could remember, he just hated seeing blood. It was probably because he associated blood with pain and that just didn’t suit him, not that he wasn’t accustomed to pain but maybe because it was quite the opposite. He was used to it and he didn’t like seeing it to other people.

Yet here he was, because it was extra credits and also extra money, at the university clinic as a student assistant even though (1) he was studying for something _totally_ unrelated to medicine, (2) he didn’t know how they figured him working part-time in a pet clinic could be used as a relevant experience to an actual _human_ clinic but they did and hired him, and (3) as mentioned, he freaking hated seeing blood.

Unfortunately, as he realized early since he started there as a student assistant, people don’t just come to the university clinic because of headaches or stomachaches, those kind of aches that someone don’t usually see unless the person suffering tells it so.

Like today, there’s someone with a bleeding head and no, it’s not just a small scratch or cut. There’s a wound the size of a coin and blood was not stopping no matter how many times Taeil tried putting pressure in it. The professor who came with the student, Prof. Kim, was not helping at all as he went on and on about _how fighting was prohibited in the university grounds_ and _the student’s parents will surely hear about this_ and _he can’t promise that he’ll not recommend for suspension and even expulsion._

Now Taeil _knew_ all of that. It wasn’t the first time a fight broke somewhere around the university grounds and someone was hurt badly but he also knew that treating the wound comes first above anything else. In his limited knowledge of popular crime dramas, even criminals get treated first before they were subjected to prosecution. He wasn’t sure what happened, if this person lying in front of him now was even the one at fault, but someone moving around the clinic with him, saying loudly everything that came to his mind — _how can you even fight in this cold weather —_ like it was somehow all relevant was definitely not helping.

He already called for the real university doctor, Dr. Hwang, who told him she’d just get a coffee more than two hours ago and told her about the situation. He heard some sheets rustling in the background as she hurriedly told him to take care of the patient first and that she’d be back in five minutes. This has happened a lot of times that Taeil didn’t even think much about it anymore.

But first, he had to make sure the patient was still alive before Dr. Hwang returned and he could not promise that with Prof. Kim spouting about questions like _was all kids raised like this nowadays_ and _what happened to the country we built._

He took a deep breath and said in an even voice, “I think it’s better if you wait outside, sir.” Taeil even smiled in spite of himself wanting to literally kick out the person. He silently applauded himself for his self-control.

The professor looked at him as if he just offended his mother and his mother’s mother. Taeil was sure he was close to saying _how dare you_ and before that could happen, he quickly added, “He needs to be treated quickly and I can’t do that with you here. After I make sure the bleeding stops, and I’m sure that’s what the university policy says despite the situation for _all_ students, I’ll call you again to,” he paused, unsure what more the professor could tell the student that he hadn’t done for the past ten minutes since they arrived at the clinic, “ _talk_ to him.”

“What makes you think you can tell me what to do? You’re just a student,” Prof. Kim defiantly said.

Taeil calmly showed him his ID, hanging neatly on his shirt. It wasn’t his university ID, it was his clinic ID, and he answered, “It’s part of my duty as a _student assistant_ of the university clinic to remove anyone who hinders my duty to treat patients, may it be fellow students or even professors, _sir._ ” He made sure to stress the _student assistant_ if only that would piss the professor more. “It’s in the university policy manual if you want to check, _sir.”_

“How dare you!”

Taeil wanted to laugh because he has been waiting for the professor to say it, like he was losing everything he thought was real of this world that a _mere_ student assistant was talking to him like that but before he could say anything anymore, the patient spoke up, the first time he did since they stepped inside the clinic with his bleeding head.

“I will sue you _and_ the university if my head does not stop bleeding in the next two minutes.” Then, he added, “And I will make sure the entire country knows about it, too.”

He watched the professor visibly deflate after the person who was lying down with a bleeding head, and who also happened to be a student, said that. Prof. Kim said something like _this isn’t the end of it_ but he left fairly quickly. Taeil was honestly impressed.

Then, when it was just the two of them in the clinic, he didn’t lose more time and immediately grabbed more gauze to press to the wound, not even saying anything else because the patient slightly flinched at the touch. He gave an apologetic look at the sudden action but knew the bleeding has to stop now. It finally did, after about four minutes of Taeil just standing there beside the patient with a wet gauze in his hand, putting pressure on the wound.

He sighed in relief when he remove the gauze and there was no more blood trickling down his face. After that, he soaked some fresh gauze in saline solution and gently dabbed it at the patient’s wound on the left side of his forehead which was a little awkward because the bed was pressed against the wall and Taeil was standing at the right side of the bed. It wasn’t exactly like he could climb the bed for him to see the wound up front. He carefully leaned a little to properly clean the wound, aware that the patient was staring at his own face as he did so.

Well, Taeil thought it was completely fair since he was doing the same when he cleaned the wound.

Being that close, Taeil noticed that the wound wasn’t only just in the patient’s head. He looked away a little and observed the patient leaning on his right. He looked at the patient’s face and saw him looking back at him with a clear _what_ in his face.

“Did you fracture your arm?” he asked.

“Aren’t you supposed to be the one to tell me that?” _was_ the answer that Taeil got.

He completely ignored that, used to the same kind of tone being used to him, and instead focused on drying the area of the wound in his head with a pad of tissues and applying a sterile dressing with a bandage on it. He knew his abilities well enough to know that he could treat bleeding wounds but if he was right about the fracture, he’d have to wait for Dr. Hwang to check it herself. He might cause more damage if he moved the patient’s arm without proper knowledge on fractures.

After he was finished making sure the patient wasn’t bleeding on his head anymore, he began cleaning up the bloodied gauzes and the patient spoke up again, “Aren’t you going to check if I fractured my arm?”

Taeil looked back at him and asked, “Why, does it hurt?”

“Shouldn’t you be the one to tell?”

“That it hurt?”

“That I have a fracture?”

They stared at each other for a long time and perhaps both of them realized that they haven’t talked to each other more than questions for the entire time that they have been together that fall afternoon. Finally, Taeil broke the silence and asked _again_ because answers were mainstream and questions were more interesting, “What your name?”

The other guy looked at him incredulously and tried to move instead of answering because well, answers were mainstream and actions were more interesting. But his left arm must have truly hurt because he silently cursed under his hitched breath when he moved even only a little.

“My name is Moon Taeil. I am just a student assistant in the university clinic. I don’t have a medical license and while I can treat bleeding wounds because of my first-aid training, I don’t have the extent of expertise to tell if someone has a fracture just by looking at his arm.” Taeil said his usual student assistant in the university clinic introduction because introducing with just his name was mainstream. Then, he asked again, “Does your left arm hurt?”

“Donghyuck,” _was_ the answer Taeil got because answering the question at hand was mainstream and answering the question _before_ was more interesting. “Lee Donghyuck.”

Taeil gave a small smile. “I’ll go get ice packs to limit swelling and to help relieve pain, in case you do have an arm fracture, but we have to wait for the doctor to look at it properly, Donghyuck,” he told him.

Dr. Hwang returned in the clinic in less than five minutes because Taeil knew even she was worried that if she got caught of leaving the clinic during her duty hours and something bad happened to a student that she should have treated if she was _in_ during her duty hours, she would be in deep trouble. She could even lose her job. She quickly regarded Taeil’s deed with the wound in Donghyuck’s head and proceeded on examining the patient’s arm while listening to Taeil’s initial assessment.

Taeil was right in assuming that Donghyuck has a fracture on his left arm. Fortunately, it wasn’t severe enough that would necessitate hospital admission. As a matter of fact, the swelling already lessened because of the ice pack Taeil gave Donghyuck. He only needed to rest for about thirty more minutes and was advised to apply ice to the injured area when he got home as well.

He listened to about halfway the explanation before he realized it was time for him to go if he didn’t want to be late for his other part-time job which was probably the only part-time job he actually enjoyed and that’s his job at the pet clinic which was pretty similar to his job at the university clinic. It’s just that in the pet clinic, the animals were _nicer_ than some humans.

He left the clinic in ahurry, peeking at the examination room for a second to tell Dr. Hwang that he was leaving. He looked at Donghyuck for a moment and saw the other was staring back at him, thinking Donghyuck would at least say thank you.

Taeil awkwardly hung in there for about ten seconds before he finally gave up and just left, thinking nothing of it, because it was also not the first time he treated someone who didn’t thank him. It didn’t feel bad especially if that was something he was used to all his life. Besides, he wasn’t there to receive gratitude.

He had already forgotten about the university clinic and everything that transpired there when he was stepping out of the building, a useful trait he acquired early in his life, _compartmentalization,_ and when someone stepped out of his path and put a heavy arm on his shoulder. Unfortunately, it wasn’t someone he could easily forget or ignore. It was Taehyun, his younger brother.

“Give me money,” Taehyun whispered to his ears, smiling at people passing by them as if he was just having a good laugh with his brother.

“Didn’t I already give you enough for the week?” Taeil asked, pulling back a little only to be pulled closer again.

“Give me _fucking_ money.” It wasn’t even a request. It seemed like it was an order.

It wasn’t as if Taeil couldn’t say no to Taehyun but it was more like, he could and then Taehyun would whine and complain about it to their mother, and their mother would ask for the money for Taehyun’s sake from Taeil, saying something along the lines to do it for _her_ sake, which Taeil couldn’t understand how it was for her sake if Taehyun was going to use it to buy drugs or go to clubs, and Taeil could reason which would bring her mother to tears, saying something about how she was a bad mother that she couldn’t do anything about her children, and in the end, cutting the long story short, Taeil would give the money for Taehyun.

To save himself from the long, emotionally distressing process that would ultimately end with him giving Taehyun money which he was sure would somehow still play out in the future even if he said no to Taehyun now, he pulled his wallet and gave him several bills. After getting what he wanted, Taehyun easily detached himself from his older brother and walked away, without anymore words.

Taeil looked after Taehyun’s retreating figure and vaguely thought back to Donghyuck in the clinic. If his own brother could treat him like that, what gave him the right to expect differently from people who were strangers?

He tried to look forward to his time at the pet clinic. He wondered what kind of pets were they taking care for that night and decided that no matter what kind of pet they were, from dogs who drool too much to cats who don’t move unless he carries them, the time he would spend there was infinitely better than anywhere else. He didn’t think it was sad at all, that the time of his life he thought was best was with animals. He’d take that over anything else.

Taeil didn’t notice Donghyuck had completely disregarded Dr. Hwang’s order of staying for half an hour more at the clinic for her to observe him further and had left the clinic shortly after the student assistant did, seeing Taeil with his younger brother and witnessing what happened.

Donghyuck took the opposite direction from Taeil.

—

It was a few days later, Taeil was walking down the alley that was his short-cut to the bus station from the office. It was only a little before nine and he honestly wanted nothing more than to be in his room, on his bed, and sleep. He wasn’t even thinking about dinner anymore, his hunger long forgotten in place of a building headache that he knew no food would cure but sleep.

He was just in the middle of the alley when he saw someone _fast_ approaching his direction. Instinct told him to step back and ran towards the direction where he just came from because it wasn’t unusual at all for people to be robbed in alleys as dark as the one he was at, but he’s been walking here for the past four years and so far, nothing has happened to him yet. Despite better judgment, he braved the _entity_ running towards him and ran _towards_ it.

Taeil knew it was, by far, the most stupid decision he has made in his entire life because it could be a serial killer, not just a thief. It could be someone who would slice off a person’s skin with no remorse and then move on to another victim. He could be unrecognizable when it happened because he has no tattoos, no birthmarks to differentiate his corpse from other corpses, but perhaps it was just that. No one would recognize him anyway. It would probably take a couple of weeks before his family took his absence seriously, too, no matter how permanent it was.

He didn’t know what he was expecting because it was a narrow alley but he still shrieked when he collided into another person.

The _other_ person, fortunately, didn’t pull any knife to slice Taeil’s skin but he sounded obviously pissed off because those guys following him could catch up to him any second now but before he could push Taeil away, he beat the other guy into speaking first and squeaked, “Donghyuck?”

Donghyuck looked up at the voice and realized Taeil's face was unbelievably close to him. He immediately recognized that face, too. “You’re the university clinic's student assistant,” he said, and it wasn't a question.

“Taeil,” the _university clinic's student assistant_ said, moving away his face from Donghyuck who was clearly staring at him, standing up and dusting his pants. “My name is Taeil.”

“Right,” Donghyuck muttered, standing up as well. He looked at the alley and realized it was completely dark and it wasn't exactly the alley he planned to meet up with the his friends. “Where am I?”

Taeil raised his brow a little before proceeding with the address of the street they were in. Then, he asked, “Why are you running? Are you running away from someone?” Belatedly seeing a wound in Donghyuck's face, he worriedly said in a low voice, “You're bleeding again.”

Donghyuck gave him a look with the _again_ because that sounded eerily familiar when he said that but he remembered exactly what warranted the _again_ in the other person's sentence and found it ironic that he has seen this person again under the same circumstance and yet he couldn't even remember his name the first time.

“We need to treat that,” Taeil said again. “Come on.” He decided it was right protocol to grab the other's hand only for it to be swatted away.

“What are you doing?”

“I'm going to clean up that wound,” Taeil answered, pointing to Donghyuck's bruised face, as if that was the obvious answer.

“I'm fine,” Donghyuck answered, casually wiping his lip with the back of his hand when he tasted blood on it.

“Even your hand is bleeding,” Taeil said when he saw that Donghyuck's hand was, in fact, bruised with dried blood as well. He decided he would not take no for an answer because even if he was only a student assistant in the university clinic, he could not just ignore a person in need literally standing in front of him. Besides, he knew Donghyuck was also a student from their university which made them schoolmates, at the very least.

Donghyuck wasn't sure for his part why he let Taeil drag him to an old building just the corner of the alley to some sort of a small office by the second floor and sit on one of those office chairs while he wait for Taeil to get the office first-aid kit.

“Aren't you trespassing?”

“I work here,” Taeil answered, opening the first-aid kit and getting some antiseptic first to clean the bruises. “Well, part-time, but I work here.” Then, it was Taeil's time to ask the questions, “How do you always end up bleeding?”

“How do you think fights work?”

For the first time, Taeil tore his gaze from Donghyuck's bruises to properly look at Donghyuck's eyes, like he could not believe it was truly because of fights, and Donghyuck wondered _how_ he thought was he getting all his wounds and bruises from, but if Taeil thought it was a wrong decision to treat a delinquent, _twice now_ , he didn't voice it out and only continued to clean Donghyuck's face and hands.

Then, Donghyuck's phone rang and he got it with his available, less bruised hand that Taeil already finished cleaning up. “Yeah? Yeah, I got lost a little,” he sounded impossibly sheepish, which Taeil honestly didn't think was possible. On these two times he has seen Donghyuck, he only came to him as strong-willed, with all those bruises and even a fracture. “I think we lost them though.” There was a pause, then he said the address Taeil gave him before and said, “Yeah, I’ll wait here. See you.”

Taeil wasn't sure what was happening but even if he could consider himself pathetic and not a good decision-maker, he definitely was not stupid, so he said, “I know I said I work here but —”

“Were you lying?” Donghyuck cut him with a very intense glare.

“No,” he immediately answered. “But I only work here as a part-time employee. I shouldn't even be touching the first-aid kit without permission.”

“Don't worry. I'll only be meeting them here. We'll leave immediately,” Donghyuck told him, knowing what exactly Taeil was trying to tell him, and looking at his bandaged hands and not feeling but be impressed. Not just once had this guy treated him and it wasn't how he taped the bandage around his fingers enough for him to be comfortable in it that made him take a second look at guy's face but that he didn't look for any reason to treat him.

He was literally as stranger to the guy as the guy was to him.

“What was the fight about?” Taeil suddenly asked, returning to Donghyuck after he carefully brought back the first-aid kit to where he got it like it wasn’t touched at all. He also discarded the bloodied tissues and gauzes in the restroom because he knew no one checks the trash there. He didn’t regret his decision to treat Donghyuck but he could also save himself from some questioning in case someone found blood in their paper trash bin.

Donghyuck stared at him for a few moments before he decided it wasn’t like he was being interrogated, like how people usually do with him whenever he would end up with a fight. If anything, Taeil’s face only looked honestly curious and even a little concerned. “Territory,” he answered, keeping it brief.

“Was that also the reason for your fight last time?”

The _last time_ in Taeil’s sentence, again, sounded eerily familiar and Donghyuck was becoming more and more aware of it, but at the same time, he couldn’t blame the familiarity the other guy was using in him because unlike other people who would play that card with him, Taeil _was_ there. He treated him that time, too. If anything, he had every right to be familiar to such an extent.

“No,” Donghyuck answered. Then, knowing Taeil would probably not stop with questions about him, he asked, because it’s been bothering him for some time, too, since they entered the building, “Is this _actually_ an office?”

Taeil looked a little surprised first, and Donghyuck wondered if he had offended the other — _not_ that he cared if he did — until Taeil began laughing and looked around the place. It was small, definitely not the usual offices someone would expect, but it was _actually_ an office, “Yes. I work here.”

“Do you even study? How many part-time jobs do you even have?” It was meant to be an insult, not that Donghyuck was actually interested in Taeil’s life.

“I _do_ study,” Taeil took it as it was, a question, and he answered honestly. “Right now, I have three. You’ve seen me in the university clinic as a student assistant. Then, here.” He intentionally left out the last one, the pet clinic, and it wasn’t because he was ashamed of it but because it was his safe zone and as much as possible, he didn’t want anyone _in_ it, if he could. He could still remember Taehyun’s laugh when he found out about it and how he terrorized him there for about two months until he got tired of it.

“What’s the third?” Donghyuck asked and _shit,_ Taeil thought, he really shouldn’t have been that specific because it seemed like Donghyuck could be curious if he wanted to, “You said you have three. You only mentioned two so far.”

Taeil looked at him with squinted eyes, considering if he should tell him the truth or just make up something else.

“Are you selling drugs?”

Taeil’s eyes widened. “What? No!”

“Human trafficking?”

Taeil’s jaw dropped. “How could you even suggest that? Do I honestly looked like someone who sells another human?”

“It doesn’t have to be another human. It could be their organs, or prostitutes, or child slaves, or —”

“No, I am not a human trafficker!”

“Then, what?” Donghyuck asked impatiently.

Taeil sighed and just decided to tell him the truth. It wasn’t like Donghyuck would be interested enough in him to terrorize him there like Taehyun did. Donghyuck seemed _busy enough_ with his fights here and there. Besides, he thought with slightly relieved heart, he knew Donghyuck wasn’t Taehyun. “Pet clinic,” he quietly said. “I work at a pet clinic.”

He expected Donghyuck to laugh at the ridiculousness of hiding something simple and could be considered lame such as that but the other only nodded and asked, “Why are you trying to hide that?”

Taeil looked at him, surprised, before explaining, “I _really_ wasn’t trying to hide it. I just — well, Taehyun, my brother, used to pull pranks on the clinic when he found out I work there and made fun of me, _and_ the clinic, and the owner was nice enough to let me stay but I just didn’t want anyone to find out about it since then. I didn’t want to cause the clinic more trouble than I already did.”

He honestly didn’t think he would be explaining some stuff about the clinic, or _his brother_ , to someone he barely knew but here he was, about ten in the evening, with almost all of the lights in the office turned off because no one was supposed to be around during that time, talking to a stranger with bandages in his face and hands, about the only place he felt like he could be happy and _why._

Donghyuck could clearly remember Taeil with _that guy_ in front of the university building and realized it could be his brother. Well, Taeil could definitely have more than one brother but Donghyuck has a feeling that it was just that one and he was that one Taeil was talking about. He looked like a real pain in the ass when he took some money from Taeil that day. However, that wasn’t the time for him to find out.

It was about ten minutes, the time his friends told him they would take to get to be there, and there were footsteps on the old staircase of the building. Taeil was a little alarmed even before he could even see the people behind the footsteps because Donghyuck had mentioned fights.

The door to their office opened and Taeil saw three guys who looked like Donghyuck's age who he could vaguely distinguish through their hair colors — one has blue hair, one has blonde hair, and one has black hair. _Donghyuck has light brown hair_ , Taeil thought to himself, differing him from his friends as well.

“Hyuck, where did you go?” the blonde haired asked, looking a little pissed at Donghyuck for seemingly disappearing.

“I told you, I got lost,” Donghyuck shrugged, standing up, and approaching the strangers that just arrived.

“You got lost in an office?” the black haired asked, looking at him with a little smirk.

“What even is this place?” the blue haired asked as well, looking around the place instead of Donghyuck for a change, and lifting some folders and throwing them in a different place after.

To Taeil's horror. It's not like he loved this place and was devoted to this place at all but he was the last person to leave the office and if something happened there, he would be the first suspect and he didn't need more things to worry about in his life. Besides, as much as he could think of at least ten more things to better do with his time than work in this office and take his boss’ bullshits, the job was paying him well even only as a part-time employee. It would be difficult to look for a part-time job that would pay him quite as well.

He immediately ran after the blue haired to pick up the misplaced folders and return them to their original positions.

The blue haired looked back at him with an amused expression before turning his attention to Donghyuck, “Is he your personal nurse now, Hyuck?”

Donghyuck, a little mortified at the suggestion, glared and said, “He's not. Let's go. We need to leave now.”

“Wait, wait, I haven't got his name yet,” the blue haired said, smirking.

“Why do you need his name?”

“Because he's already treated you twice, right?”

“It doesn't matter.”

“Yes, it does. You don't let anyone treat you. More so, twice.” The way he said that suggested there was something more than meets the eye and Taeil looked from Donghyuck to the blue haired guy as they exchanged banter, as if this was an ordinary situation in his life, that he was still at the office at almost ten in the evening with four strangers with him, with _varying_ hair colors.

He watched Donghyuck took a deep breath, and it was a little funny because he appeared to Taeil as someone who wouldn't lose to someone else. It seemed that was a different story with his _friends._

“We're Donghyuck's friends,” the blue haired turned to him again and said. “My name is Jaemin. The blonde one is Renjun while the one with black hair is Jeno. What's your name?”

Taeil wasn't even sure who these people were. Even though he treated Donghyuck's wounds twice already, he also didn't know anything about him. But they introduced their names and he thought it would be impolite if he wouldn't say his name, too. “I'm Taeil,” he said, full of uncertainty.

“Taeil, I see,” the blue haired, or _Jaemin,_ said with a nod. “Na Taeil? Lee Taeil?”

“Moon Taeil,” Taeil said quickly. He didn’t want to be _something_ Taeil some more. “It’s Moon Taeil.”

“Moon Taeil!” Jaemin clapped both his hands and for a moment, Taeil wondered if these were the guys fighting alongside Donghyuck because besides the blue hair and the overall dark outfit, Jaemin didn’t look like the one who would get involved with fights, especially when he approached and pulled Taeil into a very _involuntary_ hug. “Nice to meet you, Moon Taeil.”

“Jaem,” Donghyuck growled when Jaemin pulled away with a satisfied smirk. “Let’s go.”

“What’s the hurry? _We_ lost the other gang already. There’s no need to hurry,” Renjun, who seemed to be enjoying the distress in Donghyuck’s face, said.

“You’re in a gang?” Taeil turned to Donghyuck, full of shock. He didn’t know why he _didn’t_ think about it before but he thought when Donghyuck said something about territory, it was like some basketball court, Donghyuck and his friends were playing, and there were other people who wanted to claim the court as their _territory_. That made sense, right?

But now that Taeil thought more and more about it, it made more sense that Donghyuck was involved in gangs than in basketball because he had literally bandaged him up twice in barely a week. How often do people fight about basketball courts nowadays?

“A gang,” Renjun answered even though Taeil directed the question to Donghyuck, “ _is_ what people call friendship of what _they_ think are bad people. Do you think we’re bad people?”

There was a thick silence after that, suffocating for some but Taeil only looked as if he was thinking about it carefully while the others, Donghyuck especially, anxiously waited for his answer. “I don’t know,” Taeil honestly answered. “All my friends from high school did their own thing and now I’m all alone. It’s my fault though. I barely can classify as someone who can judge friendship.”

For other people, they would definitely say _no_ because they just mentioned gangs and they didn’t look like safe people at all, but Taeil answered he didn’t know because he literally didn’t have friends. There was a different kind of silence after that, a little awkward, because there were four _presumingly_ delinquents who were getting involved with fights who were friends and then, there was Taeil, part-time student and part-time employee who admitted he didn’t have _any_ friends.

The silence was broken by Renjun’s loud laughter who found the entire thing hilarious. “I like him, Hyuck,” he declared, looking at Donghyuck while still laughing.

Jaemin and Jeno exchanged smiles while Donghyuck only grunted, “Let’s go.”

They were already leaving when Taeil asked, “How did you guys know I already treated him before this?”

Jeno looked back and answered, “We saw you.”

“Where?”

Jeno was about to answer but Donghyuck put a hand on his shoulder. The former shrugged and turned around with a light wave while the latter only stared at Taeil. There were no words exchanged, like the first time, but this time, it was Donghyuck who left first, and somehow it felt like it wasn’t just twice that he had seen Taeil, that he had talked to Taeil, and that he had been with Taeil.

Once they were outside, Jeno asked him, “Why didn’t you tell him you saw him at that,” he stopped and looked at Jaemin, “What was that again, Jaem?”

“It was like a pet shop, I think,” Jaemin answered after a quick thought.

“It was a pet _clinic_ ,” Donghyuck corrected them, putting on his helmet and climbing the back of Jaemin’s bike.

—

It was already a long night after Taeil locked the office again, checking if there was anything unusual with the office after Donghyuck and his friends left, and leaving himself. He had just arrived home to see Taehyun struggling to remove his shoes by the doorstep. It seemed like he only just arrived at home as well.

“Here, let me help you with —”

“It’s fine!” Taehyun exclaimed and glared at him. Then, he stood up and shouted to the kitchen, “Mom, where’s the fucking folder I told you to get?”

“Taehyun, that’s not —”

The touch of his mother’s hand on Taeil’s shoulder stopped him from speaking once again as he took a step back. His eyes met his mother’s and Taeil could hear perfectly what she wanted to say in that stare. That he should just let _her_ take care of his younger brother, that he should just focus on himself no matter what his younger brother did, that he should not meddle when it comes to his younger brother.

Despite Taeil’s greater belief, he shut his mouth and moved to the kitchen instead, looking out for anything to help at all. His mother appeared after a few more minutes.

“Mom, you shouldn’t —”

“Taeil.” His mother’s voice was stern but there’s no mistaken the grief in her own voice. The grief that she probably hid and hid until it didn’t feel like it was there anymore but no matter how much she hides it, or tries to cover for her younger son, she couldn’t deny the fact that it’s not just Taeil who was getting hurt that she was being disrespected.

He moved towards her mother and almost gave her an awkward, small hug, barely squeezing in the shoulder before moving towards the stove again to stir what seems to be kimchi jjigae again, but before Taeil could, there was another shout.

“Didn’t I say I fucking hate it when someone touches my clothes?” That obviously came from Taehyun’s room and some things falling. Their mother immediately ran to the room again, a one-sided shouting before things died down, and by the time it’s over, Taeil couldn’t even remember what it felt like for their house to be quiet. He couldn’t remember a single time when he was there, Taehyun was there, and it was peaceful.

Imagine being taken away the right to say anything and on top of that, imagine no one listening to whatever he wanted to say no matter what. That’s an awful, horrible combination but that’s just how Taeil learned to live his life now. He could always be there for his family, give them his time, his all, his everything, but he couldn’t even tell his younger brother to properly talk to their mother, or him, and at the end of the day, no one would listen to him.

He wondered how many stories he wished to tell already to his family. Should he tell them about his nasty boss who was always telling his employees that they were inadequate no matter how well they do? Should he tell them about those entitled people he often meet who thinks they could get whatever they want and they could get away with everything? Should he tell them about those times he’d rather spend lunch inside a bathroom cubicle because he has more peace there even if it stinks?

He wondered how long he could carry this heaviness and he wondered what will happen if his heart couldn’t take it anymore. Will it _just_ burst and be gone?

_I’m not sad_ , Taeil tried telling himself. _I can’t be sad._

He said that but he was lying on his bed at two in the morning, closing his eyes every now and then, convincing himself that sleep was important if he should function as he should tomorrow at school and at work, but knowing full well that he was not getting any sleep no matter what because of this hollowness inside him, that recurring empty feeling that’s not disappearing no matter what he does.

He closed his eyes and his thoughts drifted to Donghyuck, wondering what he was doing at that time, if he had removed the bandages Taeil put on his face and hands and replaced them with new ones. It was two in the morning. Could he still be fighting even at that time? Were his friends fighting with him, too?

The following evening, Taeil bristled along the sidewalk at eight in the evening, forgetting what he has been doing so late at work the moment he stepped out of the building — compartmentalization — as he hastily zipped up to his jaw and pulled the hood over his head, not even caring how he looked after. He felt like he has been holding his breath and catching it at the same time, even though he didn’t do anything all day but listen to lecture all morning and stare at the computer screen and work all afternoon until evening. He has been pulling an average of five proposals each day even though the standard processing time of a single proposal was a week and he was a freaking part-time employee. He was supposed to be focusing on university and _not_ that he enjoyed that as well, but his mother expected him to graduate with flying colors. It’s just that she also expected Taeil to work for their family as well.

How could he even do that? He didn’t know nor understand.

“You’re useless.” Taeil could still remember the voice of his boss, Mr. Seo. How he said that in the sincerest way possible, in a tone that didn’t suggest teasing or joking. How he said that in such seriousness that no matter what Taeil accomplished in the past, or what he believed he could still accomplish in the future, _all_ vanished and disappeared in the thin air and got replaced by those words.

He wondered what his boss will do if he resigns, if say, he suddenly decided to vanish in thin air without telling him beforehand. Surely, he would find someone else, maybe someone better, someone more intelligent, someone he could have more control of, someone who wasn’t useless like him. After all, no one truly was indispensable in this world. But the short span of time when Mr. Seo would probably lose his balance in the office, would probably spit _more_ curses and _more_ hurtful words because of the unfinished and on-going work that Taeil had left, was enough for him to consider it.

If Taeil wasn’t considering what his mother would tell him. Probably along the line with what Mr. Seo told him earlier, but less direct and more on the passive-agressive tone.

He didn’t know how long he has been taking crap like this. To be honest, he didn’t even know what he was doing nowadays anyway. Was he a student? Was he an employee? Why was he studying business? Why _not_ music? Why was he working at that company? Why was he _not_ having gigs in restaurants and bars? Even without Youngho telling him he could do it if he wanted to, Taeil _knew_ he could. And it’s not that he didn’t want to anymore but Taeil knew that if he did, he would probably drop dead before his mother could chastise him for pursuing something uneconomical and stupid.

He was pursuing a business degree because according to his mother, that was what’s in demand at this time. He didn’t have the courage or the heart to tell his mother that his dream was different, that it wasn’t to be a business graduate. He didn’t want to build a business or rise up the ranks in a big conglomerate.

Taeil wanted to sing, create his own music, and show that to the world. It might sound too obnoxious but Taeil knew what he could do with his voice. It was _a lot._ He couldn’t even remember now when was the last time he sang, or even thought of it, wondering what his friends back in high school were doing now.

He was barely an adult when he realized that dreams were not free for everyone. Dreams were for those with money. Dreams were for those who don’t have families to support.

He reached home and knew his mother has been cooking kimchi jjigae again, probably the fourth night that week. He brought kimchi jjigae for lunch thrice at work already. He understood that it’s his younger brother’s favorite dish but he thought he was getting tired of it now as he smelled it from the kitchen to the doorway. He silently removed his shoes and thought his nostrils were even getting tired of how his mother’s kimchi jjigae smells at this point.

“Oh, Taeil, you’re here. How’s work?” His mother peeped from the kitchen when she heard the door click locked, holding a ladle in one hand, always making sure whenever she could that Taeil was not messing up at work because according to her, if they liked him enough there, he could live his future with the company. She didn’t even ask if Taeil wanted his future _to be_ there.

“My boss —” Taeil began, sighing, walking towards the kitchen.

“Mom, isn’t that done yet?” Taehyun shouted from the living room as gunshots blared from the television. He was probably playing some games again and they would probably hear complaints from neighboring units because of the noise later again.

“Oh, it’s almost done, sweetheart!” Their mother answered back and returned to the kitchen, forgetting her question.

Taeil stopped for a minute at the doorway and swallowed back the words he wanted to say instead. Actually, this wasn’t the first time this happened at all and it’s not like he was not used to it or he didn’t understand. He knew their parents, especially his mother, have higher expectations with him than his younger brother after Taehyun dropped out of university four times now. He knew they expected more from him, he knew they wanted him to be more understanding, he knew they thought he didn’t need anything and for the most part, _it’s true_.

He has learned to live by himself for so long that he honestly couldn’t think about living with someone who would take care of him anymore. He knew perfectly how to take care of himself without anyone looking after him. He knew how to go through problems by himself and solve it by himself. He knew he could handle pain alone, even smiling through it because that’s what he has been doing for as long as he could remember.

“Mom, I’m sleeping. Just save some for my lunch tomorrow,” he called to his mother.

“Okay!”

Taeil entered his room and sunk on his bed, closing his eyes and willing everything that happened that day to go away, like somehow it could if he would just fell asleep.

He couldn’t always remember his dreams but that night, he thought he dreamed of stars in the dark sky, wind touching his bare face, and riding fast, his chest leaning on someone’s back, to who knows where, but Taeil knew he was happy there because he was smiling right before he opened his eyes.

—

“Fuck you! Fuck you fuck you fuck you!” It was an endless stream of _fuck you_ at Taeil’s household and the worst thing was Taeil couldn’t understand what happened _at all._ It was like some wire snapped with Taehyun, and it wasn’t as if that was anything new and it also wasn’t as if this was the first time it happened, but this was the worst after a long time.

The _fuck you_ continued, along with several more hurtful words, “Fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you!” It repeated and it was all Taeil could hear along with _asshole_ and _cunt_ and _bastard_ and _dick_ and _pussy_ and _motherfucker_ and _son ofa bitch_ all directed to him. Taeil couldn’t even remember himself saying those words himself but somehow, Taehyun was _shouting_ them at him.

His father, who by a rare chance was home at the night, slammed his hand on the dining table and he looked frightening because he looked enraged. As if on cue, his mother began crying at his father’s action and was yelling _stop_ even though technically, nothing has happened yet besides Taehyun’s continuous rap of curse words to Taeil and his father’s slam of the hand.

For Taeil’s part, he was looking from Taehyun to his parents. He didn’t know what happened. He couldn’t understand what happened. As far as he knew, they were only eating dinner when it began. Despite it being dinner, he appreciated the cooked eggs and spam his mother prepared because he knew his father would be eating dinner at home that night. He was getting his second slice of spam when it began. _Wait,_ was it because of the spam? If it was because of that, Taehyun could say he wanted it or even grab the piece from Taeil’s plate that he always used to do.

Taeil _just_ couldn’t understand Taehyun’s anger or where he was coming from but he repeated those words over and over again. His mother, afraid his father would hurt Taehyun _or_ that Taehyun would hurt his father back, pulled him out of the dining table. Taeil was left there with Taehyun on the dining table. He didn’t want to move because he didn’t do anything wrong. He sat there and listened to every word that came out of Taehyun’s mouth.

If he had only known that besides talking in this house, he wasn’t allowed to eat here now as well, he would have grabbed dinner after office before going home. Then, he remembered he _was_ the one who bought the spam on his way home because his mother told him his father was coming home that night. Taeil let himself be lost in the thoughts of bringing food in the table but not eating them next time as he finished his dinner of plain rice and kimchi.

His parents were not back in the table when he finished eating and Taeil wondered if they would continue their unfinished meal. He thought they might and left the table with his bowl and utensils only, hearing Taehyung mutter as he did so, “Cunt.”

At twenty-five, Taeil couldn’t remember the last time he cried. He couldn’t remember the last time he actually felt pain for him to cry it out, like normal people. He could only remember getting used to it and willing himself not to cry. Especially _not_ in front of Taehyun.

He figured Dr. Jung wouldn’t mind if he stayed at the pet clinic for the night. She has been thinking about turning the clinic 24/7 now. Taeil wondered what she would say if he offered to stay the night there everyday. He sent a message to his mother that there was an emergency in the clinic and he needed to go there. Then, he left the house and only after he closed the door behind him he realized that there was a breath he was holding.

Taeil let out a deep breath once he was outside their house and he didn’t even let it bother him even just a bit anymore. This was normal. This was _his_ normal.

Unfortunately for Taeil, but fortunately for every _pet_ in the neighborhood, there was no emergency in the clinic. Even so, Taeil wanted nothing more than to be out of there, whatever that place could be called where his family was. It wasn’t the first time he and Taehyun fought. He wondered _was that a fight if Taehyun only cursed at him and Taeil didn’t say a thing?_ It wasn’t the first time Taehyun snapped, took it out on Taeil, and Taeil received it in silence.

It also wasn’t the first time their parents didn’t do anything.

The funny thing was he couldn’t even feel bad about it anymore. He couldn’t feel _anything_ but just accept it because if something has been happening in his life ever since he could remember, this was it.

Taeil had been walking for about fifteen minutes. He thought he could spend the night in the nearest convenience store when he decided to stop walking but there seemed to be some people who wanted to join him, which clearly, he wasn’t in the mood for.

“Hey, where are you going at this time?” a man, around forties if Taeil would judge him by his suit and tie, clearly drunk, came up behind him and heavily draped an arm on Taeil’s shoulder. He wasn’t sure what the man meant by _at this time_ because ten was still a perfect time for a twenty-five year old guy like Taeil to be out, whatever the reason was.

Taeil wasn’t in the mood to be polite but he still did if that would save him trouble. “I’m sorry, I’m in a hurry.”

Apparently, politeness wasn’t enough for drunk people because another one came up to Taeil, slightly taller than the previous man but also just as drunk. He came to Taeil’s other side and put an arm around Taeil’s shoulder as well. The man said while laughing, “Can’t you play with us first?” He began moving his face to Taeil’s but he seemed to be smelling him only _which_ still wasn’t comfortable at all and could _very much_ still count as sexual harrassment.

Not that Taeil has the energy and time to take care of.

He tried removing himself from the grasp of the two men but they were obviously bigger and a lot stronger and they kept Taeil within their reach. There were no other people in the street Taeil could call for help.

“Let go of me,” Taeil was squirming as they began to pull him to an alley away from the main street.

Taeil wasn’t sure how but the two men were suddenly hit with something in the back of their heads and they fell in front of Taeil, just as the taller man was leaning down to his neck while the other was running his hand on Taeil’s waistband. His eyes widened because he thought the two men were dead but there was a familiar voice. “Don’t worry. They’re just unconscious.”

Looking up at the person standing in front of him, Taeil couldn’t recognize him at first because it was dark but upon looking closer, he realized it was Donghyuck.

“Why didn’t you shout?” Donghyuck asked him when they were walking out of the alley.

“I didn’t think someone was out there to help,” Taeil answered.

“You should still shout.”

Taeil turned to him, wondering if he could actually hear the concern in the other’s voice, but the other was only looking ahead as they walked, with no clear emotion in his face. He only nodded his head because he couldn’t tell Donghyuck that expecting no help was better than assuming there was help and not receiving any.

“How did you find me?” Taeil asked instead.

“I didn’t find _you_ ,” Donghyuck answered, turning to look at Taeil once they reached where his motorcycle was parked. “I was in the area and you were also here.”

“I see.”

“Do you live near here?”

“No.”

“Then, why are you here?”

Taeil wasn’t sure if he should tell Donghyuck the truth which was that his younger brother spouted _things_ to him and he wanted to run away from that which was why he ended up here and almost got assaulted by two drunk men before Donghyuck found him and saved him.

Donghyuck _saved_ him the trouble again after looking at his changing expression, as if deciding he should tell him or not, and said, “It’s fine if you don’t want to tell me.”

“I ran away from home,” Taeil found himself saying. “Well, not _ran away_ as in ran away _._ ” He was aware that he had seen this guy for only three times in total, all in situations that couldn’t be considered normal circumstances of meeting people, but in Taeil’s _normal_ life, he thought Donghyuck was the unwelcome, _not_ normal happening he was beginning to welcome.

Donghyuck was holding his helmet as if he was leaving already but he put it back over the mirror of his motorcycle. “How _ran away_ then?”

“Ran away like I just wanted to get out of there and breathe.”

“Your brother did something again,” Donghyuck said certainly.

“How did you know?”

“You told me about what he did with you at the pet clinic before.”

Taeil wondered why on the few times he had seen Donghyuck, on those few minutes he talked to him, he managed to tell him the important things in his life, not his brother trashing him at his work but his brother trashing him at _his life,_ that suggested Donghyuck’s guess was correct.

“I didn’t know what happened. He just snapped,” Taeil said, looking ahead. Then, he turned to Donghyuck who was staring at him and gave him a weak smile, “Maybe he has a lot going on.”

“Doesn’t mean he could be an asshole to you. Or anyone.”

Taeil looked surprised for a moment but he thought exactly the same as Donghyuck. He has something going on, too. His father was barely home because after Taehyun became worse and worse, his parents began fighting more and more over what to do with Taehyun. His father wanted to discipline him but his mother wanted to let him be. It has been seven years since his father decided that he would just come home whenever he wanted and Taeil couldn’t even question his fidelity with his mother. He was only a freshman in high school back then. He was a senior in university now and he was pretty sure his father already has another family.

His mother has no work and when his father decided that there family was an option now, Taeil was forced to work. There was no saying when his father would give them money and he knew his mother would rather stay at home and take care of Taehyun while he decided what he wanted to do with his life than work for _them both_. He took it upon himself to take care of his mother while she took care of Taehyun.

Of course, the question of who would take care of Taeil was nowhere in the equation.

“What can I do? They’re my family,” Taeil said, smiling again.

“Don’t smile,” Donghyuck abruptly said, looking pissed, the most emotion he showed Taeil since he saved him that night, or since they first met, for that matter.

“What?”

“Don’t smile if you don’t mean it.”

“Then, should I cry? It’s not going to change anything.”

“And you think smiling will?”

They stare at each other for a long time before Taeil broke it off and said in a small voice, “No.”

—

After Taeil talked with Dr. Jung about willingly staying at night in the pet clinic for the trial of the clinic becoming 24/7, his shift changed from three to six in the afternoon during weekdays and three to nine during weekends to ten until six in the morning everyday. Dr. Jung even asked him if it was alright with Taeil to spend _every_ night there to which Taeil enthusiastically answered _yes._

Honestly, when it happened, Taeil wanted to bow down to Dr. Jung because (1) it meant he could stay longer in the clinic than anywhere else and (2) it meant he didn’t have to go home to sleep which was all he did at home anyway. There was even a pantry and a bathroom in the clinic. He began practically living there, doing his assignments there, and even proposals for his other job while looking out for the clinic.

It has been almost a month since he began taking the night shift at the pet clinic and so far, there has been nothing yet besides occasional pet owners coming at very late hours in the evening when the clinic should have already been closed before because of medicines or vitamins they forgot to buy earlier. It was still added sales to the clinic and Dr. Jung was happy about it.

However, Taeil was catching up some sleep when there was a knock in the door. He immediately scrambled to his feet, aware that when someone visited the clinic at three in the morning, it was either a thief or there was truly an emergency. Honestly, Taeil didn’t know which was worse.

He looked at the person standing on the other side of the clinic’s door, blinking.

“Is that blood?” Taeil asked him, shocked, but thought there wouldn’t be any reason someone like Donghyuck would be knocking at a _pet clinic_ at three in the morning if it wasn’t for an emergency that was between life and death. Own emotions aside, Donghyuck looked terrible and his safety was more important that Taeil’s questions. He immediately stepped out of the way to let him inside, ignoring the water dripping from his head to his feet because of the autumn rain outside.

Once he was inside the clinic though, he looked so out of place which shouldn't surprised Taeil as much, given the tattoos peeking from his dark clothes and the blood that was still leaking on his stomach in contrast to the white walls and animated cats and dogs all over the place.

“Take off your shirt,” Taeil told him as he gently dragged him into one of the chairs because there was a hundred percent chance he would stand all night if he wouldn’t literally grab him to sit.

Then, he ran towards the bathroom to retrieve the first aid kid that was actually for _humans_ and came back to see Donghyuck breathing heavily. Donghyuck has already removed his coat but was still in the process of taking off his shirt underneath, trying to move his arms on the side of his wound but failing.

_It must be hurting a lot_ , Taeil thought. Quickly, he stood in front of the Donghyuck and helped him remove his white turned red because of his own blood shirt.

The wound wasn't that big but it looked utterly deep and by the looks of it, Taeil could tell it was from a knife. There were a couple of cases of stabbed animals brought to the clinic because of drunken assholes who couldn’t do anything better with their lives but get drunk and hurt other beings whenever they lost control of their bodies. That’s why he knew. He was only a little relieved it wasn't a gun shot wound though because Donghyuck was beginning to catch his breath and Taeil knew he had to move fast.

Taeil’s hands moved fast from cleaning the wound with antiseptic, putting antibiotic in the wound, and covering it up with a bandage. When he was done, he looked up at Donghyuck and was surprised to see him looking back at him. He honestly thought he had passed out from the pain or had fallen asleep from exhaustion.

They stared at each other for a long time, Donghyuck’s stare not giving away anything that was running in his mind until he said it himself. “It’s self-defense,” he muttered.

That was a little surprising but not entirely unexpected. Taeil looked back at him for a moment and before he scoffed, finally looking away and cleaning up the cotton balls and tissues with Donghyuck’s blood and antiseptic. “I didn’t say anything.”

Donghyuck continued to stare at him because that was true. Taeil had never ever explicitly came out and questioned the in-depth reasons for his fights. It didn't change the fact that Taeil was the one he would go to at three in the morning when he was literally bleeding to death or the fact that he would literally appear out of nowhere if Taeil was in trouble.

Later that morning, few hours after Taeil convinced Donghyuck that staying at a pet clinic for a few hours won’t ruin his image as a gang leader, Donghyuck woke up in the clinic’s waiting couch for pet owners, the wound in his stomach stinging only just a little, something someone like him could live with. He smelled burnt bacons and walked towards the clinic’s pantry, seeing Taeil fighting with the pan.

“Are you trying to burn me with the house with you?” Donghyuck suddenly asked, startling Taeil. “I just survived a knife fight last night, you know.”

“And whose fault was that?” Taeil asked back, turning just so Donghyuck could see his raised brow.

“The people who did _that_ to Jaemin,” Donghyuck had the audacity to answer with a snort.

“What happened to Jaemin?” Taeil asked, worry sketched visibly on his face. He has seen the guy _once_ and he had talked to the guy exactly _once_ as well but he had treated Donghyuck three times now and those people were obviously important to Donghyuck for him to get a knife stab wound for Jaemin’s sake.

Not to say but despite the black outfits and huge motorcycles, they didn’t look like bad people to Taeil.

Maybe because they haven’t exactly done anything to him. Sometimes, bad people weren’t the ones who wear all black and ride huge and loud motorcycles. Sometimes, bad people were those wearing casual outfit who would put an arm around someone and extort money from them while smiling at people passing by.

“They took care of him badly,” Donghyuck answered, not wanting to get too much into the gore details but his expression was enough for Taeil to understand that the wound on Donghyuck’s stomach was nothing compared to what happened to Jaemin.

“Is he okay now?”

Donghyuck lightly nodded. “He said at least they left out his face.” There was a fond smile on his face.

Taeil smiled, too. “Well, if they left out his face, I think Jaemin still looks pretty.”

“Despite the broken bones?”

“Is he _seriously_ okay now?” Taeil’s face contorted into a mixture of different variations of worry again.

Donghyuck chuckled. “He is. I’ll tell him you said he looks pretty.”

It was the first time Donghyuck smiled and even chuckled in front of Taeil. He looked absolutely younger than Taeil was when he did so, especially now that he was wearing Taeil’s old shirt that said — _TAKING A DOG NAMED SHARK AT THE BEACH IS A BAD IDEA —_ because the one he was wearing several hours ago was still bloodied. It was pretty ironic because this was a guy who was supposed to be in a gang, who took a knife to his stomach the previous night because his friend was beaten up, but this was also the first person who stayed the night with Taeil at his favorite place.

“How’s Taehyun?” Donghyuck asked this time.

Taeil returned his attention to the burning bacons at the pan while he answered shortly, “He’s fine, I think.”

“How are you?”

Taeil’s hand stopped moving. There was a pause before he answered again, “I’m fine, too.”

“I only asked you a question. How come you looked more in pain than me?”

Maybe sometimes a person couldn’t realize how much he needed someone to ask him if he was alright until someone did. Or the _answer_ to that question.

Taeil turned to look at Donghyuck and he didn’t need any more words said. It was evident in his face. He absolutely loved working at this place and he wanted nothing more than to be away from their house, from his family, but he was only twenty-five. He was still a student in the university. He was working three part-time jobs to support himself and his family. He has a father who left their family and gave him the burden of supporting it at eighteen. He has a mother who wouldn’t defend him even only with his brother. He has a brother who would extort money from him in public.

He wasn’t fine. There were bags under his eyes because he loved _this_ job and it was actually the only thing he could honestly say he loved in his life right now. He wanted to do his best for this job but he also has university classes in the morning and non-stop jobs in the afternoon. He couldn’t remember the last time he slept more than two hours straight. Taeil knew it would take a toll in his body sooner or later and yet he couldn’t do anything about it because he didn’t know what to do.

“You know, family isn’t always blood,” Donghyuck said after a while.

Taeil didn’t say anything but only stared at him. Then, he smiled a little and he wondered if Donghyuck would call him out of _this_ smile because if the other did, he could honestly say it was a smile that he meant. “I know,” he told Donghyuck, when he didn’t call him out for smiling. “Because we are here, aren’t we?”

Donghyuck looked away but the answer was hanging in the air. Neither knew when it happened or when the shift happened between someone who was doing the bandages and someone who was receiving the bandages to just two people who were _being_ there. But before either of them knew it, they were there.

_Yes, we are here._

Taeil looked at him with a expression similar to how Donghyuck was thinking of Jaemin earlier before he said, “Sit down. Breakfast will be done in a minute.”

“Breakfast meaning burnt bacon?”

“If you don't like it, you don’t have to eat it.”

Donghyuck looked at Taeil, realizing that the other didn't tell him to leave and just eat somewhere else. He smiled a little in spite of himself and looked at Taeil’s back.

Then, Taeil turned around with the plate of slightly burnt bacons and the eggs that looked more edible, surprising Donghyuck with the sudden turn that Donghyuck quickly placed the impossibly serene look in his eyes with furrowed eyebrows and a frown which as Taeil learned to know him were his standard expression. He also learned that ignoring those times when he would notice Donghyuck almost looked peaceful, without looking for anyone targeting him behind his back was the best.

Taeil sat down opposite Donghuck and gave him the best cooked egg. Then, he gave myself the burnt bacons. It surprised him though when Donghyuck took some of it from his plate but he didn't say anything as Donghyuck swallowed the bacon. He knew they were bitter.

—

Mornings usually meant a new beginnings, something akin to hope, because it was a brand new day and therefore, it had a lot of new chances to make life something better but Taeil only went home that morning because he wanted to give his mother money for the rest of the week. He knew the money he gave her last time was probably gone by now.

Also, he wanted to grab more clothes because Donghyuck took one of the few shirts he brought to the pet clinic that he was switching up everyday.

His mother came to his room without knocking and she didn’t speak until Taeil turned to look at her. “Isn’t it about time you forgive your brother?” she asked, her eyes determined, and honestly, the only times Taeil could see her eyes like that was when she was speaking to him for Taehyun. It was a little hilarious because the only reason she could be determined like that was because of his younger brother.

Taeil didn’t know what to say for all the things that were running in his mind. There were so many questions that were running in his mind that he wanted to ask his mother. What was the right time to forgive Taehyun? Was that when Taehyun acknowledged his mistakes and apologized to Taeil or was that when his mother thought it was a long time ago already and by now Taeil has already moved on? How could he forgive someone who hasn’t even acknowledged that he did something wrong? How could he forgive someone who couldn’t even account for his own mistakes and talk to Taeil himself? How could he forgive someone who he has forgiven _a lot_ of times before without a single apology? How could he forgive someone who, if he _forgave_ , could hurt him again?

_How could Taeil forgive himself again if he let it happen all over again?_

He realized bullies were bad. They were the absolute worst; hurting people who didn’t do anything to them just because they could. But bullies were called bullies because there were people who were getting bullied.

Taeil realized bullying will _never_ be right but if he let himself get bullied over and over again even though he knew it was not right, it wasn’t entirely the bully’s fault anymore.

“How do you forgive someone who hasn’t realized he made a mistake?” Taeil asked, feeling a thick skin in body beginning to crumble down, the skin he _built_ all those years to protect himself from the people he called _his family._

His mother was a little startled because this might have been the first time Taeil answered with something that wasn’t _yes_ to her. But she brought back her determined expression quickly after as she said, “Taehyun was sorry. In his own way.”

Taeil wondered what _in his own way_ meant. Was that keeping the cold facade and the silent treatment for as long as Taeil could hold it or for as long as his mother hasn’t convinced Taeil to forgive Taehyun? Because if that was his own way, his own _was not_ enough and it was _not_ always that his own way could suffice.

“Why are you so stubborn?” his mother asked _him,_ her hands messing her hair.

“I’m stubborn?” Taeil asked, shaking his head with a laugh. “I’m stubborn,” he repeated, nodding his head in utter disbelief. He took a deep breath and said, “Do you _ever_ mean the things you say, Mom? How long will this go on for?”

“What do you mean by that?”

“He called me _motherfucker_ and _son of a bitch_ in front of you.” The skin has crumbled away into dust as Taeil looked at his mother, his own eyes mirroring _hers_ as if he was looking at a mirror.

“Those were _just_ words —”

“He would demand money from me at the university even though I already give him enough for the week already. He would publicly extort money from me, his own brother.”

“Maybe he needs them for —”

“He wasn’t attending his classes. I talked to his professors.”

“He might be planning to shift again —”

“Shift _again_?” Taeil chuckled again and it surprised his mother who looked at him as if Taeil had just lost his mind and _really_ , was Taeil the one losing his mind right now? If anything, Taeil felt like he just found his mind now. “He already shifted _four_ times. Four different degrees. I,” he paused, “ _took_ business because you told me I should take business. He goes to clubs and bars instead of attending his classes. He comes home drunk and high. He shouts curses _to us_ and disturbs the entire neighborhood. I,” Taeil took a deep breath, “study in the morning and work from afternoon until the following morning to support _that._ ”

It wasn’t that Taeil was not trying to listen to his mother. It’s just that he has heard all of this _so_ many times before.

“He’s your brother!” his mother yelled at him, tears already falling from her eyes as she reached her breaking point, hearing everything she was constantly trying to hide or forget or pretend that it wasn’t happening all at once.

Unfortunately, she wasn’t the only one who has reached _it._

“Well, I’m his brother, too!” Taeil shouted — or shrieked, too overwhelmed with the sudden surge of emotion as years of looking after Taehyun came back to him. Years of covering up for him, years of understanding him, years of putting him first, years of holding back, years of crying without tears because there was no one for him but himself and what’s _more pathetic_ than crying was crying _alone._

His mother was stunned by the outburst, instinctively taking a step back like Taeil could hurt her any minute. But Taeil was not going to do that. He was _not_ Taehyun. He didn’t spend all those years hurting to hurt someone else, too. But that shouldn’t mean he’s going to continue doing that to himself. He’s tired — no, he’s _had_ enough, he’s done. He’s done taking all of his brother’s bullshit. He’s done taking all of the blame. He’s done.

_He’s done._

“And I’m _your_ son, too,” he whispered, close to tears but he held himself back. He knew crying wasn’t a sign of weakness but he wouldn’t allow himself to cry in front of these people who he held back his tears for all his life. He knew his mother heard him because she looked away from him, as if she just realized it too, like she was embarrassed.

Taeil left that morning with no clothes he planned to take _and_ nowhere to go. All his salary from his jobs could barely afford his family’s expenses, his studies and meals, not to add rent on some decent place. But he could not live there any longer. He could _beg_ Dr. Jung to let him stay in the pet clinic until he found a cheap place to rent but he could not live at _that_ place anymore.

That place suffocated him his entire life, taking every bit of life in him, when it should have been the place he called home.

Taeil ended up walking to god knows where, remembering his mother’s face when he said what he said and she didn’t even deny it, nor acknowledge it true. He didn’t notice it but his face was becoming damp and for a moment, he looked up at the _still_ dark sky and wondered if it was raining again. It was not. He brought the back of his hand to his eyes and he realized he was crying. Chuckling as if he was losing his mind, he hastily wiped the tears that would not stop that he almost missed the motorcycle’s light in his face.

“Are you crying?” Donghyuck asked after he took off his helmet.

“D-Donghyuck?” Taeil squinted his eyes to make sure it was the _really_ Donghyuck, even though by now, he knew that voice as clear as the chance that he knew he could be happy in this life. “What are you doing here?”

Donghyuck snorted, “Shouldn’t I be the one asking you that? This place is off limits to the _likes_ of you.”

Taeil looked around and it was only then that he noticed he was… nowhere. Or he didn’t know where but it looked creepy and it looked as if someone would suddenly come behind him to take everything he has with him, or his life, whichever was more valuable, which he guessed would be his bag. At least his bag was worth something even just a little.

“I, uh —” he looked back at Donghyuck, almost feeling embarrassed but at that time, there was nothing he could truly feel except nothingness. And he wasn’t sure what kind of feeling was worse. The feeling of like shit when he was with his family or the feeling of nothingness now that he told them exactly what he was feeling. It’s not like he thought it would make him happy but rather, he knew it would be a semi-permanent void in him but he could not care about anymore.

He figured if he’d be unhappy in this life, it should be on his terms and not on anybody else’s.

He brought his hand to the back of his head, avoiding Donghyuck’s pointed look at him with a slight raise of the brow, probably knowing full well that something _not_ good happened which lead Taeil to this unfamiliar place. It wasn’t the first time.

“Come on,” Donghyuck finally called to him and when he looked up, he barely caught the helmet the other threw at his direction. “Let’s go.”

Taeil looked from the helmet to Donghyuck and slowly asked, “Go where?”

Donghyuck shrugged, already putting back his helmet on but not before saying, “You tell me.”

Before he could debate the pros and cons of riding the motorcycle with Donghyuck who came to him for stitches because of fights and accidents, he realized he’s pretty much lost everything that morning and there was nothing more to lose if he ever got caught in a fight or accident because of Donghyuck. Besides, the moment he climbed the back of the motorcycle and put his arms on the Donghyuck’s waist, they began moving and the feel of the wind on his body was absolutely incredible, almost familiar. He felt free and during that moment, he felt like he didn’t lose anything but actually gained something.

It was the first time he truly felt alive, like everything was under his control.

Which of course, wasn’t exactly true because technically, Donghyuck was the one driving and going who knows where, but it was Taeil’s choice to go with him. It was his choice to climb that motorcycle. It was his choice to get out of that house. It was his choice to tell his family that he deserved to be heard as well.

Donghyuck pulled after what seemed _forever_ at the edge of the river that was unknown to most people. He knew he told Taeil to tell him where to go but Taeil didn’t say anything but had only held tightly behind him, sniffing at his back in one second and then, laughing at another. There was also a time when Taeil took the courage to remove both his arms from Donghyuck’s waist to raise both of his hands in the air in literally _two seconds_ maximum before he returned his hold, loudly laughing.

He _could_ get worried the other was losing his mind but he thought he had the faintest idea of what happened. He knew it was both freeing and terrifying to break out of a prison that was holding him for so long. It wasn’t easy, definitely not, because if it was, could Taeil had stayed that long in that kind of toxic situation?

It wasn’t easy but it didn’t mean it was impossible.

“I ran away from _that_ place,” Taeil said, affirming Donghyuck’s initial thought of what happened and removing his helmet, holding it to his chest. There was something impossible to point in Taeil’s expression but it was close to peace. Then, he chuckled, “I’m a bad person, aren’t I? _Who_ gives up on family?”

“I beat people up on a normal basis _yet_ I don’t consider myself a bad person,” Donghyuck _answered_ which wasn’t exactly an answer to Taeil’s question but an answer in _so many_ questions he knew Taeil has. He didn’t say he couldn’t consider himself a good person either. After all, how could _he_ tell? How could _anyone_ tell?

Taeil looked at him for a moment, digesting what Donghyuck said, before he spoke again. “I never realized I could give up on them until now. My mother probably thinks I’m selfish to give up.”

“Do you?” the other asked him, sitting down on the grass with his helmet on his lap.

Taeil did the same. “Think I’m selfish?” he asked. “ _No._ I don’t. I _had_ years to be selfish.” Then, he looked ahead at the sparkling river. The sun was beginning to rise and the light was reflecting to the water and Taeil thought it was beautiful. “If I continue rescuing drowning people who _knows_ how to swim, I might get pulled under, too.”

Donghyuck looked ahead as well at the river.

“I used to think they’ll treat me better if I do what they want, or if I just let them do what they want with me. I thought I could prove to them I could be good enough to somehow, make them _better_ ,” Taeil continued. “But I realized I am enough just by myself and I don’t need to prove anything to anyone.”

“Isn’t that one of the best things in life?” Donghyuck asked after silence has consumed them. He turned to Taeil just when the other looked at him, smiling and saying, “That we can choose when to leave.”

Taeil thought Donghyuck looked impossibly beautiful under the sunrise like that, dressed in all black, a contrast to the illuminating background, but for some reason, his eyes were shining just like the sun and Taeil couldn’t help but think of himself as the river, when the light from the sun was reflecting on it like Donghyuck was to him.

He wondered what happened in Donghyuck’s life for his eyes to shine like that and if _that_ could possibly happen in his own life, too.

“Your capacity to give up on people does not make you a bad person, Taeil.”

When Donghyuck said that, Taeil realized in that moment that he has not heard his name from Donghyuck’s mouth ever since they met each other. Granted, they weren’t in each other’s lives the usual way people were, classmates, friends, or even _family_. He couldn’t even classify what they were but hearing his name like that from _Donghyuck_ was more than any _curse_ Taehyun had called him.

Suddenly, there were loud bikes arriving at the place but Taeil couldn’t bring himself to worry even before he saw they were Donghyuck’s friends just because he knew he was with Donghyuck.

He honestly couldn’t imagine these guys were all in _a gang,_ Donghyuck’s gang, with territories and enemies, fighting and bleeding constantly, because they brought food and drinks and Renjun was even playing some calming music as the others were fighting for the last piece of pancake. Donghyuck told him he was supposed to meet up with them for breakfast when he saw him and figured they should just come there instead.

“Sorry, I didn’t know you were meeting them,” Taeil told him.

“I was the one invited you for a ride,” Donghyuck shrugged.

“Hyuck invited you for a ride?” Jeno asked, bewildered. “He _never_ lets us ride his bike!”

“Shut up, Jen,” Donghyuck glared at him.

“Did you _really, really, really_ say I looked pretty?” Jaemin’s face was literally on Taeil’s.

“Get away from him, Jaem,” Donghyuck turned to Jaemin. He looked like he was herding _children_ instead of members in his gang and Taeil wondered how did they became friends. Well, maybe _friends_ was a bit of an understatement when he remembered Donghyuck’s stab in the stomach and when he looked closely at the others, all of them have bandages in their hands.

The boxes of the pancakes were long empty and they were only finishing their carbonated drinks because according to Donghyuck, much to Taeil’s relief, even though people considered them crackheads, they weren’t dumb to ride their bikes drunk. Taeil and Donghyuck were sitting on their position on the grass, Renjun was leaning on his bike while Jeno and Jaemin were both standing, all of them looking at the illuminating river, the fall morning wind freezing their faces but no one could care enough to suggest they go _home._

It occurred to Taeil that maybe, like him, that wasn’t also an option for any of them.

As if reading Taeil’s mind, Donghyuck suddenly said to no one in particular but in retrospect, maybe to all of them there, including himself, “I don’t care about whose blood recombined with whose. When everything goes to hell, the people who stand by you without flinching, they are your family.”

—

Taeil knew Dr. Jung was a kind person but he didn’t know she was literally a walking angel on the planet until Taeil talked to her about leaving home and asked if he could stay for a few days at the clinic until he found a place for himself. She knew Taeil’s situation with his family even though Taeil had never talked to her about it because of what Taehyun did to the pet clinic in the past, how Taeil had profusely apologized for it and begged her _not_ to file legal charges against his younger brother.

Of course, she told Taeil he could stay for as long as he wanted. But Taeil was _not_ an abusive person. As a matter of fact, if he could try his best not to burden other people as much as he could, he would do it.

He found an apartment building with an available room in between the pet clinic and the university, twenty train stations away from his family’s place. The building looked old but the tenants seemed fine and the rent was something Taeil could pay after his school, transportation, and basically _all_ _living_ expenses.

It felt strangely comforting as he stood by the doorway a week after he began living at the pet clinic to an empty room. It was literally empty. There was absolutely _nothing_ inside it besides the lights and the thermostat which honestly was everything Taeil could have asked for a place that was being offered at such a low rent.

But it was _his,_ Taeil thought to himself with a small smile. There was a small kitchen inside where he could cook anything he wanted to cook, or anything he wanted to learn cooking. It was practically _one_ room. There were no more rooms inside besides the small bathroom with only a toilet and a shower but no tub. But it has a huge window overlooking a part of the city opposite the door which didn’t have a curtain at the moment.

He stood there and watched the city and the buildings and the cars. Everything looked small from where he was, at the tenth floor of the apartment building, but Taeil found comfort in it.

Taeil took a deep breath. He went around the place and listed the _most_ important things he needed to buy. He figured he should buy at least a mattress before he could save enough to buy himself a _real_ bed. He wanted to buy a big bed and he didn’t want to buy something less than that. He thought a mattress would be okay for now.

Then, he listed a rice cooker, _rice,_ eggs, and some condiments because he thought he would save more if he cook for himself. He thought of all the things he could learn cooking besides kimchi jjigae. He also figured he should buy toiletries. Laundry shouldn’t be a problem since Taeil learned to wash his own clothes since middle school. He only needed some detergent.

Honestly, it wasn’t like this _was_ anything new for Taeil. He had been looking after himself for as long as he could remember, even before their father left their family and he began looking after his mother and Taehyun. With all the attention of his mother on Taehyun and his father only focused on his work before he decided he could not live with them anymore, Taeil was left to look after himself. It was just that _now,_ there was no one else to look for besides himself and that was entirely new for Taeil.

He quitted his job at the office. He enjoyed the look at Mr. Seo’s face when he told him it was his last day at work and the way his demeanor shifted from his usual autocratic style to something _less_ mean offering Taeil with _better_ pay and _better_ schedule but unfortunately, not a _betted attitude._ But Taeil had already made his computations. After he took the daily night shift at the pet clinic, Dr. Jung increased his salary. That added to his salary as the university clinic’s student assistant would be enough to cover his school and living expenses. He could even treat himself to _samgyupsal_ or a movie every now and then. He didn’t realize how much he has been making by himself until then.

In addition, he reached out to his friends back in high school who, unsurprisingly, were surprised to hear from him. Taeyong was complaining about why he _left_ them after high school and wouldn’t let him hear the end of it while his best friend, Youngho, was only happy to hear from him again. Out of his friends, Youngho was the one who knew most about Taeil’s family.

They had a band way back middle school. Taeil was the vocalist, Taeyong and Youngho played the guitars while Yuta was on the drums. Thinking back about it, those times he spent singing and performing with them were probably the best moments he had when he was young.

Taeil didn’t think his friends would accept him back that easily. It wasn’t like he _disappeared_ on them exactly but when he told them he would be taking a business degree in the university when initially, they all planned to pursue _their_ music, his contact with them gradually faded until that night when he was wondering if his friends were still performing and he decided if Youngho’s number on him was still working. He never did _remove_ his friends’ number on his phone even though it was now seven years since he last talked to them.

It was probably presumptuous for Taeil to think that the band was still the same even after he left.

However, Taeil also wasn’t that surprised when Youngho told him he hadn’t seen Taeyong or Yuta since the band had their _last_ gig two years ago, before Yuta returned to Japan. He told Taeil he pursued a different path, something Taeil always though Youngho was good at, photography.

Youngho asked _why_ Taeil called.

“I thought I could perform with you guys again,” _was_ Taeil’s honest answer. Honestly, he didn’t know if it was right to tell Youngho that. He was the one who diverted from their plan, from _their_ dream, and if it was for the good or for the bad, Youngho hadn’t said _anything_ that suggested his friends had it bad because of Taeil’s choice. But after years of _not_ allowing himself to speak what he truly wanted, Taeil had gone tired of it and just wanted to do the opposite now.

There was a long silence in Youngho’s end and Taeil looked at his phone if the call was still connected. It _was._ The line was still connected and perhaps, it wasn’t just the line that was still connected, because Youngho proceeded on telling him Taeyong has a bar now and he could contact him if they could perform there like _old times._

Taeyong hid it but Taeil could tell he cried when he saw Taeil again. They had their own lives and their own schedules and contacting Yuta turned out to be the most difficult because he returned to Japan two years ago. But seeing them again, talking to them again, that was _more_ than Taeil could ask for and he didn’t know why he didn’t do it sooner.

Performing together as the band they started ten years ago way back their freshman year at middle school seemed to be a plan that would entail more planning, and maybe a plane ticket for Yuta, but Taeyong had already recruited him to sing at his bar three nights in a week. Taeil _would_ love to sing more than three nights and catch up with Taeyong but Taeyong told Taeil it was business and he would be paying him, too, because as much as he knew how special Taeil’s voice was and how much Taeil loved singing, he also knew Taeil’s current situation.

His life used to revolve _only_ around his family — making sure he gave enough to his mother for _her_ to have something to give to his younger brother. He had cut ties to make sure he _did_ exactly that. Fortunately, he hadn’t cut the ties too severely for them not to be repaired. He had forgotten how many people he had in his life before besides the people he thought _should_ be the only ones he had to keep no matter what they do to him. He didn’t know how many people he could keep more, the people who could treat him like he mattered and that he, too, was a person.

Even until now, there were times when he would ask himself if this was the _right_ thing to do. But whenever Taeil would look at himself in a mirror, he realized the bags under his eyes were lighter now, he had been sleeping more hours, during the time when he would take every mean remarks Mr. Seo said to him, before he would leave for his duty at the pet clinic or his gig at Taeyong’s bar, and he was beginning to think life was okay.

It was a couple of months after adjusting to his _new_ life, and maybe practicing enough some dishes he could cook himself because Taeil didn’t want to embarrass himself, that he decided to call Donghyuck.

Jaemin had asked for his number that morning at the river, saying _they_ could be the ones needing some bandaging up by Taeil next time, and Jeno and Renjun did the same, agreeing. Begrudgingly, Donghyuck did _not_ want to be the only one who didn’t have Taeil’s number.

Taeil didn’t think Donghyuck would actually show up. But there was a knock on the door and when he opened it, Donghyuck was awkwardly standing outside, probably not used to being invited at someone’s _home_ but was just used to meeting outside, in the streets or somewhere else. He quickly entered without any words the moment Taeil opened up the door for him.

It wasn’t meant to be anything special. It was two dishes, the most Taeil could pull and the best he thought he learned by now. It was meant as _thanks_ for that time when Donghyuck saved him from those two drunkards, when Donghyuck took him for a ride that early morning before the sun has even risen, the morning he left his family, and when Donghyuck _let_ him stay with him and his friends at the riverside over pancakes and carbonated drinks. It was meant as thanks for being the best stranger Taeil could ask for, for being there when Taeil thought no one was.

“I’m going to finish my business degree,” Taeil told Donghyuck halfway through dinner. “I thought I put so much effort in it already to let it go to waste. Anyway, no matter what happens, it’ll be a good credential.”

He wasn’t sure _why_ he was telling Donghyuck _that_ but the other stopped eating, looked at him, and listened. That’s probably _why._

Later that night, when Donghyuck was leaving, Taeil didn’t forget to tell him that he should bring his friends _next time_. There was a strange look at Donghyuck’s face when he told him that but Taeil thought he saw Donghyuck’s shoulders relaxed a little, neither affirming nor denying his invitation, and waving as he turned around to leave.

Taeil’s place was small. There was no bedroom or futon or couch. There was only a mattress he would roll in the morning after he woke up. There was only a small table with two chairs. The kitchen only has a rice cooker and two pans. The huge window didn’t even have a curtain yet but that was Taeil’s own decision not to put _any_ curtain there. It was nice to look over the city, realize that the world was moving and will continue to move. But Taeil knew exactly what it was like to _not_ have a place. Not just like to _not_ have a place to call home but to _not_ have a place in this world. To feel so little, to feel so lost, to feel so alone that he didn’t have, or _deserve,_ a place in this world.

Somehow, Taeil wanted to give them that place because he knew they deserved a place in this world, too.

—

Donghyuck knew that this life was going to catch up to him one way or another. Perhaps it’s part of the thrill of it, the excitement of constantly on the run, always on your toes, because if he was not, he’d probably be dead a long time ago. This business was not for everyone and he knew his luck would run out one day.

Which was why he couldn’t feel anything akin to regret as he clutched to the wound in his left chest, aware that it’s probably not the only wound that was bleeding him out at the moment but feeling it was the one that would lead him to death. It wasn’t a knife this time. There were a lot of guns and it wasn’t like he didn’t expect to be shot at all.

Well, Donghyuck looked at the flickering light of a street post light near the warehouse of the shootout and thought this was probably it, feeling some sense of contentment with the life he lived. Then, he remembered he told Taeil he would come to his band’s first gig tomorrow and almost laughed at himself for caring about such a thing when he was there, alone and bleeding to death.

He didn’t know why he reached out for his phone despite each movement of his body causing more blood flowing out of his body, the pain reverberating to his entire body ten times more. It only took two rings before Taeil picked up.

“Hey, Donghyuck, if you’re cancelling tomorrow —” Taeil was already saying as he picked up that Donghyuck wanted to laugh at how brazen he had become since he first met him, when he couldn’t even kick that professor out of the university clinic.

“I’m not.” Despite better judgment, he didn’t want Taeil to spend the night with a dying person when he should be focusing on his first performance with his friends after a long time. He knew it was the most important thing for Taeil in the world at the moment and briefly, he wondered if he could be given the change to truly witness it. The dampness of his own blood in his hand as he held the phone to his ear was a reminder there were things that could not be given no matter how much he asked.

Taeil sounded honestly surprised. “Oh, then why did you call?”

“Because I knew you’d be shitting yourself nervous and almost jumping on the train to escape the whole thing,” Donghyuck said and he found himself grinning when there was a long pause at the other end of the line which meant he was right. “I’m always right,” he said proudly.

“I’m _just_ ,” Taeil began with a sigh. Donghyuck waited but there was nothing that came after.

“You’ll be fine, Taeil,” Donghyuck softly said, looking up at the dying street post light, vaguely wondering if it was feeling exactly what he was feeling at that moment, life slowly escaping him as he proceeded with it like always, assuring Taeil that he will be fine.

Somehow, that seemed enough. There was a long but comfortable silence after that unlike the one before. It seemed to have calmed down Taeil, as Donghyuck heard him finally sitting instead of pacing back and forth and knocking a couple of things. He didn’t just say that to calm Taeil though. He said that because it was the truth.

He felt like he could leave Taeil knowing he would be fine. He read somewhere that it was _okay_ if that only person he could save in this life was himself but he didn’t think that was correct. It was okay if the only person he could save in his life was Taeil. That ought to make leaving a lot more easy if only he wasn’t suffocating because of too much blood loss at the moment.

Donghyuck hitched a little, catching his own breath that seemed a little farther now. He was starting to lose consciousness. He knew how that felt because it happened to him before. But before, there was Jeno shouting at his face, making sure he would not lose consciousness, there was Jaemin pulling him up by his arm, taking him to the hospital, there was Renjun slapping his face over and over again, telling him not to sleep, and there was Taeil stitching him up, or cleaning his wound, or replacing his bandage.

Now, Taeil was on the other end of the line, a night away from the day that might change his life.

“Are you okay?” Taeil asked concernedly, somehow hearing the way Donghyuck caught his breath.

“Yeah,” he answered, almost too immediately. He tried to take a deep, silent breath before speaking again. “I should go. I have some business to take care of.”

“But you’ll come tomorrow, right?” Taeil quickly asked again before Donghyuck could hang up.

It felt a little more difficult to say it the second time but Donghyuck forced himself to. There was no need for Taeil to concern himself with him now. He knew Taeil would be fine even without him now. “Yes, I will.”

He could almost hear the smile in Taeil’s voice when he said, “Great! It will mean a lot to me, Donghyuck,” Taeil honestly said. “I,” _a pause,_ “I want you to be there.”

It’s probably these times that the most important moments of someone’s life plays out like a film in front of his eyes, or at least, that’s what the media showed him in the limited number of things he had seen. Maybe those were the moments that would show a person lived a fulfilled, meaningful life. However, the only thing that was playing in Donghyuck’s eyes were the first and probably _last_ time he took Taeil on his bike and they rode for hours and hours, just stopping by for gas, and then going for it again. They didn’t have a destination. They didn’t have a plan. But the wind against their bodies was enough, the stars still in the sky were enough. It was almost a pity that they _had_ to stop but the faces of his friends flashed on his mind and _no,_ it wasn’t a pity at all as he remembered his friends fighting over the last piece of pancake.

Donghyuck thought that maybe it didn’t have to be a lot. It could be _one_ and that would be enough.

“Taeil,” he quietly said because any louder would send vibration to his head that he was mildly aware was also because of his blood loss. Donghyuck knew he was near forty percent now which was literally the only amount of blood loss a human body could take at any given circumstance.

“Yeah?”

“Thank you.”

There was a silence for the third time before Taeil broke it and asked, “Donghyuck, is something wrong? Where are you? Are you hurt?”

It almost made Donghyuck laughed. Both Taeil’s perceptiveness and lack of belief that grateful words could come out of the Donghyuck’s mouth. He couldn’t entirely blame him because no matter how many times he had come for him to stitch him up, he never thanked him. But Donghyuck was not thanking him for those times just now.

“I’m fine,” he said to ease Taeil’s worry.

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah.”

Donghyuck closed his eyes, barely feeling his body now, or anything for this matter. The only thing he could feel was the flickering light coming from the street post light and even the flickers were becoming fewer and fewer. He wondered if it was also time’s up for the light like maybe, his life.

“I’ll see you tomorrow, okay?” Taeil asked for the third time that night, his voice hopeful and bright. It was all Donghyuck wanted to hear last.

“Yeah.”

“Goodnight, Donghyuck.”

“Goodnight, Taeil.”

When he hung up, it felt like the heavens or whatever deities he didn’t believe only gave him enough time to talk to Taeil because the moment the call ended, he felt like his heart was constricting because of the lack of oxygen, he could feel about a third of his blood on the floor with him, damping his own clothes, and when the light of the street post went dead, no matter how much he fought to keep his eyes open, Donghyuck’s eyes finally closed.

Taeil, on the other hand, stared at his phone after he hung up with Donghyuck. He couldn’t remove the strange feeling in his chest that there was _something_ wrong because (1) Donghyuck had _never_ called him first because there was literally no reason for Donghyuck to call Taeil and (2) Donghyuck would certainly not begin calling him just because he wanted to make sure Taeil would not run away from his first performance with his old band.

He dialled Jaemin’s number before he could think twice about it and Jaemin picked up just before Taeil thought the call would be transferred to voice mail.

“Hey,” was Jaemin’s greeting.

“Are you with Donghyuck?” Taeil went straight to the point. If he was right that something was wrong with Donghyuck, there was no time to lose.

“No, why?” Jaemin _got_ the distress from Taeil’s voice as Taeil heard some shuffling of cans on the other end of the line, like Jaemin was standing up and had tripped on cans on the floor.

“He just called me and he sounded,” Taeil paused, “ _strange._ ”

“Strange? What do you mean strange?”

“He thanked me,” Taeil answered. “He had _never_ thanked me. Not when I treated his cut in the head, not even when he was bleeding his stomach to death. But he thanked me out of nowhere, Jaemin. That wasn’t, I mean, that isn’t — I think something bad happened to him.”

It was silent in Jaemin’s end of the line for several seconds before the blue haired friend of Donghyuck hissed. “ _Fuck._ ” Then, he hollered loudly enough for Taeil to hear it even though he knew he pulled the phone away from his mouth, “Renjun, Jeno, let’s go! Donghyuck’s in trouble!”

There were the noise of motorcycle engines running and Taeil could faintly hear Renjun and Jeno’s voice at the other end of the line. Fortunately, Jaemin remembered he was on a call with Taeil and spoke through his phone again. “We’ll _find_ Donghyuck,” he said, and Taeil noticed that he said _find_ as if looking out for him and _not_ finding him was not an option. “Can you try tracking your last call with him? If you can, send us the location immediately, okay?”

“Jaemin, is Donghyuck —” Taeil began.

But Jaemin interrupted him. “He better be. If he dies, we’ll kill him,” it came out as a hiss and Taeil realized if he was worried about Donghyuck, his friends were probably even more. He hadn’t asked Donghyuck, or any of them, yet how they _knew_ each other or what their relationship was with each other but Taeil remembered Donghyuck’s words at that night by the river.

Family isn’t always about blood.

“We’ll call you,” Jaemin said before he hung up, clenching both of his fists tightly when he realized they were shaking.

—

They found Donghyuck after Taeil sent them the location of his last call with Donghyuck. He was lying beside the warehouse of _some_ gang, a bigger gang with obviously more members than their quartet, who called him up to _recruit_ him. But apparently, they were only recruiting Donghyuck. He didn’t tell his friends that he went to their hideout to tell them he was not interested if his friends were not coming with him which should _not_ have been that much of a problem if there wasn’t another gang who thought it was the right moment to claim territory when Donghyuck was there.

Basically, Donghyuck was caught at the wrong place at the wrong time.

That didn’t remove what seemed to be a bucket of ice poured over his friends when they found Donghyuck lying unconscious by the warehouse. There was nothing there, bodies from both sides of the gangs taken cared by their respective groups because neither probably wanted to be caught in unnecessary police investigations when matters like this was usually taken cared of underground.

Donghyuck, for his part, did _not_ belong to either gangs which was probably the reason he was left there like that, a stray bullet to his left shoulder, bleeding him to death.

Renjun, who was usually the calmest out of them all, was frozen in shock when he saw Donghyuck’s unconscious body. It was only when he heard Jaemin shouting at his direction that he snapped back to the reality and he helped his friends carry Donghyuck at the back of Jaemin’s bike. He was in shock, not knowing what to do. His hands were shaking and Jeno had to grip his shoulders tightly, shake him a little, and even though Renjun could see _fear_ in Jeno’s eyes, his voice was not wavering when he said. “Let’s save Donghyuck no matter what. Do you hear me?”

They left Renjun’s motorcycle there with no more question. He climbed Jaemin’s bike, supporting Donghyuck’s body, as Jaemin sped up to the nearest hospital while Jeno followed behind them close.

They didn’t even think of checking Donghyuck’s pulse first. None of them was thinking they were _too late_. They were only thinking of getting to the hospital fast. They were only thinking of saving Donghyuck, like what Jeno said, _no matter what._ They would probably ride to hell and back if that was what’s needed to save Donghyuck.

The three of them knew Donghyuck would do the same to any of them.

None of them spoke a word as the doctors took Donghyuck to the emergency room and then, to the surgery room when they arrived at the hospital. Renjun was looking down at his clenched hands while Jaemin was looking at the closed door of the surgery room, at the light above it saying _surgery is in progress,_ at any sign of movement beyond those doors.

It was only then that Jeno remembered Taeil. He knew it was him who called Jaemin that he thought something bad happened to Donghyuck. Despite only seeing him a few times now, he knew they could _not_ have found Donghyuck if Taeil didn’t call them and Taeil had saved Donghyuck’s life _twice_ now.

Jeno thought Taeil deserved to know what was happening.

Taeil had not changed from his sleeping sweats and had merely put on a coat after Jeno called him and told him they found Donghyuck. The other did not give specific details but gave him the hospital they were in and in less than half an hour, Taeil was _there._

Renjun and Jaemin didn’t even realize that Jeno had already called Taeil even though it was Jaemin who told Taeil that he would call him. They merely exchanged nods before they went back to their original positions, Renjun by the chairs in front of the surgery room, Jaemin standing by the doors, and Jeno leaning against the wall while Taeil stood there in the middle, uncertain if he _should_ even be there.

But Donghyuck was there for him, constantly. He could contemplate over and over again if he had the right to be there, along with the people who were obviously the most important people for Donghyuck in this life, but that would not change the fact that Donghyuck has been _there_ for him.

Taeil thought he could at least do the same. _Or_ that’s what Taeil told himself even though he could literally feel himself constricting as he played the last words Donghyuck said to him.

_You’ll be fine, Taeil._

He wanted to tell Donghyuck that he was right, that Taeil would be fine now. That he didn’t need to go out at unfamiliar places late in the evening and possibly be caught up with drunkards because he wanted to _breathe_ or that he didn’t need to walk with no destination in his mind only to end up in the middle of nowhere because he has _no place_ to go.

He wanted to tell Donghyuck that he was right, that Taeil would be fine now. He had his own place now, was choosing to finish the degree he already put four years of his life to, was spending most of his time at the place he most loved, and was even going to rekindle the friendship he thought he already lost.

Taeil would be fine. Despite the questions that would sometimes cross his mind about his past and about his future, Taeil knew that Donghyuck was _right._ He would be fine.

But he could also remember what he said to Donghyuck.

_I want you to be there._

Taeil meant that and he wondered if Donghyuck knew he meant it more than his first gig with his band in seven years. He wondered if Donghyuck knew he meant it that he wanted Donghyuck to be _there_ in his life, beyond the occasional treatments of his wounds, beyond the occasional dinners over two dishes in his small place, beyond the occasional gigs he wanted to invite him starting that night.

There were still a lot of things he wanted to ask Donghyuck, like _where was his family_ or _how did he end up in a gang_ or _was he still studying at the university_ or _how did he meet up with Jaemin and Renjun and Jeno_ and _was his cooking alright_ and _how old is he because he looked older most of the time but when he was with his friends, he looked so much younger_ and many more.

His thoughts were stopped when the doors to the surgery room opened and the doctor along with a few nurses came out, their expressions unreadable.

Taeil could not bring himself forward. He could not hear what the doctor said to Jaemin and he did not want to ask, more afraid of the answer he could hear than asking the question.

Then, a few moments later, a bed was being moved from the surgery room.

He watched Renjun ran towards the bed, crying. Donghyuck was lying on it, eyes closed, with several tubes connected to his body. He could not understand any of the particulars Jaemin said when he walked towards him with a light pat on his shoulder besides _he’s safe_ as he let out his own breath of relief.

He hasn’t cried since that night he left the house he grew up at, not even when it would dawn to him that he had _left_ his family, not even when he would think that his mother was probably crying every night because of it. He knew his mother was not a bad person but maybe, he was also not a good mother. It still didn’t feel good when he thought his mother was crying. It was also not helping that he knew Taehyun would not do anything about that, too.

Taeil had not cried since that night until _then_ and it was different from the last time he cried. There was no heaviness in his heart but relief. The pain was not something that was removed the moment he made his decision and stepped out of the house. The pain could be considered familiar, almost welcomed, and Taeil wondered if that _kind_ of pain came with choice with who he cared for, with who he wanted to feel that pain with, with who he _knew_ would do the same when it was the opposite way around.

Donghyuck was moved to a normal room since the doctor said he was out of danger already. If they had brought him in the hospital _any_ second later, it would have been difficult to revive him. Fortunately, they brought him just in time. But he still needed to get plenty of rest to fully recover was what the doctor told them. Jaemin repeated it when they were in Donghyuck’s room after Renjun had calmed down.

Taeil stayed there with them until his phone was ringing nonstop.

It was Youngho, asking where he was. He looked at his watch and realized he should have been at Taeyong’s bar an hour ago which was their agreed time to meet up. He had looked forward to seeing the three of them together again and he had looked forward to their band playing together again that night.

He thought Donghyuck would be there.

“You should go,” Jaemin told him after he hung up, with no clear answer to Youngho’s question on what time was he arriving.

“He said he _would_ be there,” Taeil said, looking at Donghyuck.

“He’d be there next time,” Renjun spoke up, meeting Taeil’s eyes, and there was an unspoken promise there. That _next time_ they would not leave Donghyuck alone like that, bleeding by himself. That _next time_ they would be there for Donghyuck just as he has always been there for them. That _next time_ they didn’t have to hear it from Taeil to know that something was wrong with Donghyuck. That _next time_ there wouldn’t be a chance for them to be _any second later_ because _next time_ they would be there with Donghyuck.

“Donghyuck would want you to go,” Jeno said with a light nod.

Taeil bit his bottom lip because he realized he was shaking and tears were threatening to fall again. He understood perfectly now what Donghyuck said that family was not always blood. He could not remember feeling anything remotely close to what he was feeling now when his father left them, or when _he_ left his mother and his younger brother. Yet he felt like he was literally pulling his body out of that room, away from Donghyuck who he only almost lost, when he was leaving, with a word from Jeno this time that they would call him once Donghyuck wakes up.

_Although I practiced it countless times_

_I still love you_

It has always been proven how beautiful Taeil’s voice was but that night, even his friends were surprised as Taeil sang with the thought of only Donghyuck in his mind, his voice resonating through the entire place and everyone was astounded at the sheer sensation of pain, hope and yearning all combined in a couple of lines that was coming from the mouth of one person.

_Despite the countless_

_Let’s put an end to this now_

Taeil wanted to see him again. Donghyuck said _his_ thanks to him but he hadn’t yet, for the home he hadn’t thought he would find in a person, for the family he found among strangers, and for the strength that showed him Taeil could be strong, too.

It had all been a dream months ago. It was not now.

_After dreaming for so long_

_Let’s start anew_

—

Even though they told him they would call him when Donghyuck wakes up, Taeil still came back to the hospital as soon as they finished at the bar despite it being around two in the morning already. He stayed there the entire day, knowing he could catch up on his classes easily but he didn’t forget to inform Dr. Jung and Dr. Hwang that he would not be able to work that day.

Jeno told him he could go home, to take a bath, to sleep properly, to change his clothes, that they would be there in case Donghyuck wakes up and they would call him. But Taeil only returned the sentiment to them, knowing that Donghyuck’s friends were also just as sleepless and as restless waiting for Donghyuck to wake up as Taeil was.

Like Taeil, they shrugged off the sleeplessness and said they would be staying there _until_ Donghyuck wakes up as well. He had no idea how long was Donghyuck supposed to be sleeping but he thought it didn’t matter because he would be there when he wakes up. _They_ would be there.

He glanced behind him and saw that Jeno and Jaemin were sitting at the opposite ends of the couch, dozing off. Renjun had told him he would be grabbing coffee for him and Taeil for a minute. Taeil found himself smiling, thinking at the odds of meeting these people. It was safe to say that he didn’t know any of them three months ago. He didn’t know even know Donghyuck from the university until his head bleed and he was brought to the university clinic.

Actually, could Taeil say that he knew them now? He didn’t know Donghyuck’s age or what degree he was taking up at the university. He didn’t know their gang, if they do more than riding their loud bikes around the city together. He didn’t know if his friends were studying at their university, too. He didn’t even know his friends’ surnames. But Taeil _knew_ they were not bad people. Taeil knew that if their friend was hurt, they would go to hell and back for that friend. He knew that they were a family who would stand by each other no matter what.

If he didn’t accept the student assistant position at the university clinic, would he have met Donghyuck? If he didn’t meet Donghyuck, would Taeil _be_ where he was now?

Now he was free. Now he has choices he didn’t have before. Now he could speak up and now, someone was there to listen to him. Now Taeil was standing at the bay because he was no longer trying to help the people who were pulling him at the water with him in order to prove to them his worth.

Of course, in a perfect world, Taeil could have met Donghyuck _and_ stayed with his family. People might think it was easy for him — leaving the people who brought him to this world, the person he grew up with, and the only place he had ever called _home_ in his life even when it started changing into something not but for the first couple of weeks since Taeil left, he would look at the ceiling and wondered if he made the right decision.

They were his family, that was a fact, but just because someone was his family didn’t mean he had to take _everything_ from them — all the grief, the brokenness, the silence, the indifference, and the toxicity.

It was not a perfect world though and he, too, was not perfect. It was not enough to _cut_ ties with the people tormenting him and making his life miserable no matter who they were. He has to cut ties with the version of himself that _let_ those people did that to him, too. Taeil realized he didn’t owe an explanation to anybody for doing something for himself. For taking care of himself.

He was allowed to be mad. He was allowed to be hurt. He was allowed to question bullshits. He was allowed to terminate toxic relationships. He was allowed to look after himself.

Maybe he would still be stuck at the water if he had not met Donghyuck or maybe he would have met Donghyuck some other time. Taeil wanted to believe that he still would have met him regardless of the time, regardless of the moment. Maybe in a couple more weeks or maybe next year. Maybe he still had to hold on until they would meet. Maybe he could.

But for the stars that lined up, bringing him here, in a hospital room, with four people, three of which he didn’t know their surnames and one of which had changed his life, Taeil was grateful for with all his heart.

Taeil almost had a heart attack when he brought his focus back on Donghyuck and saw bright eyes looking back at him. He bit his bottom lip, quivering, and held his stare, like somehow, if he looked away, Donghyuck would still be asleep, until it was Donghyuck who broke it and said, “Hey.”

“You told me you _were_ okay,” Taeil gasped uncontrollably. “I asked. You told me you were okay. Why didn’t you say something?”

Donghyuck didn’t know how to answer that and he didn’t want to lie. He was prepared to die that night but somehow, he was here with Taeil, and looking behind Taeil, he could see Jeno and Jaemin. He knew Renjun was probably somewhere near, too. He couldn’t tell Taeil _that_ though. He was still thinking of what to say before Taeil reached to him, wrapping his arms on his neck, and pulling him into a hug.

“Do you know how worried _we_ were? Do you know what was running in our minds when you still would not wake up?” Taeil was saying to his shoulder, his voice becoming inaudible because his mouth was on Donghyuck’s shoulder. “Do you know how _scared_ we were that we’ll lose you?”

Surprised was an understatement as Donghyuck froze at Taeil’s hold on him, staring at the wall as he listened to Taeil’s words. He was shocked at the sudden touch but he couldn’t be more amazed at the thought of being ready to lose his life only to be brought back and told _these_ , that they wouldn’t let go, that they couldn’t let go.

He moved his hand to reach Taeil’s hair, gently stroking it as if to calm the other.

Suddenly, Renjun returned to the room and _literally_ dropped the, fortunately, two cans of iced coffee because neither he nor Taeil were fans of hot coffee just when Taeil was pulling away from Donghyuck. He didn’t even close the door behind him when he almost jumped at Donghyuck’s bed and pulled him by his hospital gown. “How could you, you fucking bastard?!” the blonde growled and he looked _so_ scary that Taeil stood up from his seat beside the bed.

The other two woke up because of Renjun’s outburst. In a split second, Jaemin was on the other side of Donghyuck’s bed, reaching to his patient’s gown as well and shouting in outrage. “Are you seriously a fucking idiot?!”

“Hey, guys,” the one who just woke up felt nauseous because he was being pulled by Renjun to the left while Jaemin was pulling him to the right. “Hey, Jen,” he said, giving a light wave at Jeno who was only standing behind Renjun, staring at him with a multitude of emotion. “Could you tell these guys I _really_ didn’t think it would be that bad?”

Donghyuck realized that, for the safety of the life he had learned not to take for granted ever again, it would be a good decision for the interest of everybody to keep _purposely_ willing to die that night from his friends’ knowledge, too. He looked at Jeno with a smirk, hoping the black haired would help him with Renjun and Jaemin but Jeno’s eyes _shifted_ and in less than a second, he was pouncing at Donghyuck as well.

It turned out what Donghyuck just said was also not a good decision.

“Not that bad?!” Jeno repeated after him. “You didn’t think it would be _that_ bad?! Are you fucking kidding me?!”

Taeil stood there, watching the quartet in amusement, his three friends pulling Donghyuck into three different directions. He thought anybody else would have called for a doctor, or even security, if they had seen three dark-clothed guys clad in piercings and tattoos literally lunging at a patient. However, Taeil had also seen the look on their eyes when Donghyuck’s surgery was still in progress. He had seen the way Renjun’s body shook while they waited for Donghyuck’s surgery. He had seen the way Jaemin’s face looked down at a sleeping Donghyuck. He had Jeno stood there like he was taking in _an_ awake Donghyuck seconds before he dived at him with profanities.

“ _Don’t_ scare us like that again, Hyuck,” was Jeno’s words as he pulled away his hand from Donghyuck’s hair. The other two did the same after him.

Donghyuck knew. Their message has been very clear, despite the curses in between almost every other word. He understood where his friends were coming from and it wouldn’t hurt to tell them his own. “I know. I’m sorry I worried you, you guys,” he told them.

After Donghyuck was discharged from the hospital three days later, Taeil saw them again at _his_ place the same day of the discharge because according to Donghyuck, he made a mistake of inviting his friends for dinner as a celebration of Donghyuck getting out of the hospital because they would _never_ pass on free food.

Taeil was slightly nervous because he _did_ tell Donghyuck he could come with his friends but he had not invited anybody over since he was in high school partly because he didn’t want to trouble his family and partly because he knew Taehyun _would_ trouble him if ever he invited anyone over. He could still vividly remember how Taehyun dumped ketchup in his group art project back when he was a high school freshman.

According to Taehyun, he didn’t like any strangers in _his_ house.

He hadn’t invited anyone over after that. Not Taeyong, not Yuta, not even his best friend since grade school, Youngho. Taeil had to work all weekend in order to repair the art project Taehyun damaged. Some _things_ were not like high school art project that could be repaired.

“Oh, nice place, Taeil,” Renjun commented when they arrived. “You have your _own_ place!”

The funny thing about was that Taeil could not hear sarcasm in it. He still hadn’t bought his dream bed. His mattress was pushed to the wall so they could walk around. He still had one rice cooker and two pans even though he had brought himself a small refrigerator now. His window still didn’t have a curtain but that was something Taeil was ninety-eight percent certain he would not get. Still. _Still._

He cooked his _four_ best dishes which was twice what he offered Donghyuck on his first visit. His table was still where he and Donghyuck ate with only two chairs. They ate _on_ the floor with five of them. No one complained though. Jeno even complimented Taeil’s _samgyetang,_ saying it was the second best he’s tasted after Jaemin when he was actually trying his best.

“I _always_ try my best,” the blue haired complained, giving Jeno a _look._

“When you’re sleeping maybe,” Renjun snorted. “That’s the best you do, Jaem.”

“I’m sorry for _always_ sleeping around you. It’s because I could _never_ sleep at home,” Jaemin suddenly declared, and it seemed like even he realized that he said something he probably shouldn’t have. His expression quickly changed as he awkwardly laughed, saying, “I get _too_ handsome if I sleep eight hours. Donghyuck will get jealous.”

Donghyuck looked at him for a moment, his eyes focused at the other, before he sighed and muttered, “Yeah, right.”

There were questions in Taeil’s mind but he knew it wasn’t the time to talk about it. He thought there will be other times but for now, if they could feel a little _in_ place in his small apartment with no curtains and no table to fit five, that’ll be enough for him.

After Renjun, Jeno, and Jaemin left two hours ago _after_ helping clean up because according to Jeno, they didn’t come there _just_ for free food. Donghyuck snickered, saying, “I can’t believe you actually have manners, guys.”

The three shot him a look and Renjun took the piled bowls from his hands and transferred it to Donghyuck, saying with a sweet smile, “You can have _some,_ too.”

In the end, everything was taken cared of by five adults swarming at Taeil’s kitchen. He could only remember cleaning after everyone else, not cleaning _with._ It was uncomfortable and they would bump elbows with someone literally every two seconds. He thought he could have cleaned faster if he did it himself.

However, it felt nice. It was the kind of uncomfortable that Taeil thought he could like.

“What are you thinking?” Donghyuck asked him. They were standing by the window with no curtains, overlooking the city. It was still busy and vibrant. It felt like it was not stopping.

“How I should have a bigger kitchen.”

The other looked at Taeil, as if he could not tell if he was being serious or not.

“We kept colliding into each other earlier,” Taeil pointed out, meeting Donghyuck’s stare.

Donghyuck looked a little surprised but said, “There were _five_ of us earlier.”

“Yeah, well,” Taeil _just_ said.

“Your kitchen is enough,” the other told him, looking at the window again.

Taeil kept looking at him, kept staring at his face with too many bruises. He noticed Donghyuck has several ear piercings although he could only make of one of his earrings. It was a little sun. “How old are you?” he suddenly asked.

“Huh?”

“How old are you? We met at the university but I didn’t know if you’re a freshman or senior like me.”

“You’re _a_ senior?”

Taeil _looked_ offended. “Don’t I look like a senior? I told you I spent four years on my degree already, didn’t I?”

Donghyuck grinned at him. “So you’re like, a grandfather.”

Taeil opened his mouth and then, closed it again, in disbelief, completely speechless. “Excuse you, but I’m only twenty-five. How is _that_ a grandfather?”

“Well, I’m only nineteen,” the other had simply said.

He stared at Donghyuck. “You’re kidding.”

“As if,” the _apparently so much younger_ scoffed. “The others are also _all_ nineteen.”

Taeil stared at him some more. Then, as if only just realizing it, he gasped, “You’re serious.”

“Yes?” Donghyuck laughed, turning to enjoy the bewilderment in Taeil’s face.

“How are you nineteen?” the _much older of the two_ asked.

“Well, it’s not like _life_ chooses to shit on us based on our age,” Donghyuck said, looking out again. “If that’s the case, then there wouldn’t be orphans, right?”

That’s one way to put it and somehow, Taeil couldn’t tear his eyes from this — not a gang member, not someone who almost died because of a knife stab and a guns shot, not a nineteen year old — _person_ who Taeil just seemed to be finding more and more reasons to be fascinated. It also occurred to Taeil that he had save this person’s life three times already — as his friends had profusely told him even though he kept telling them _they_ were the ones who found Donghyuck and brought him to the hospital — and he had stayed _for_ this person in the hospital for almost a week but he just learned his age now.

However, Taeil had also learned Donghyuck could be sassy if he wanted to, and pretty great at it, too. He learned Donghyuck was more perceptive and sensitive despite the aggressive and hostile exterior and he learned Donghyuck could look just a little bit cute if he would only laugh more often.

“What?” Donghyuck turned to him again, snapping Taeil out of his thoughts. “You’re staring.”

“What are you taking?” Taeil just asked again, only curious to learn more.

“Chemical Engineering.”

“And the others?”

“Jaemin dropped out. He loathed it,” Donghyuck simply explained. “Jeno and Renjun were from different universities.” Then, he asked when he looked at Taeil and he was merely nodding, “Weren’t you surprised all of us besides Jaemin were studying?”

“Not really,” Taeil answered. “I always saw Renjun a smart one and Jeno a hardworking one. Jaemin,” he paused, “also seemed persevering but he’s in a tough position now, right?”

Donghyuck looked at him for a moment before he nodded. “How did you know?”

“Takes one to know one, I guess,” Taeil shrugged. “Anyway, shouldn’t you call me _hyung_?”

“Hell no.” And that was it. Age was not brought up again.

—

The day before Christmas, Taeil had _finally, finally_ brought his dream bed. He didn’t know why he decided to buy a _king_ size when originally, he was only planning to buy a _queen_ size because he thought that was big enough. Luckily for him, _his_ bed was on sale and incidentally, it was the biggest size in the store. Plus it came with two free pillows and pillow cases in _Christmas_ theme because it was the season. He only brought matching bedsheets and it was probably one of the happiest moment of his life.

He thought this moment could pretty much be a core memory for him. Him instructing the delivery guys from the furniture store, helping them through the stairs up to the tenth floor, and seeing the bed assembled in his small apartment.

He could understand if the delivery guys could _not_ understand how his eyes sparkled when the bed was finally inside. He had placed it near the window, his head by the wall and his feet by the bathroom. He had moved his table just by the door because it was by the window before to make room for the bed. There was still literally no other furniture inside _but_ the bed. But it was his dream bed. It was big and he could roll in it. It was soft and comfortable and extremely spacious.

He was still staring at the bed from the door in awe after he thanked the delivery guys who had just left.

“Did you really need it to be _that_ big?”

Taeil jumped, startled. Donghyuck was standing just outside his door. Then, perhaps _too_ delighted with his new bed, he got out of the shock and asked, “What do you think?”

“It’s big.”

“Yeah. I realize I should invest in rest,” Taeil had said, looking at his bed again. “Sleeping soundly takes my mind off _things._ ”

Often times, he thought it was great that he was busy. Not only was it taking his mind off things he knew he shouldn’t think too much anymore but because he was grateful for the opportunity to enjoy something he didn’t think he could just because now, it was his choice to do it. But Taeil had been busy for as long as he could remember. It was too late for regret and he didn’t want to wallow in the past anymore but he knew he could do something about his future.

He didn’t want to be _too_ busy again about things until nothing meant anything to him anymore.

“Taeil,” Donghyuck called to him. When the other turned around, he said, “You don’t need to force yourself into anything.”

“What are you saying?”

Donghyuck looked him in the eye. “You can love them, want good things for them, but still move on without them.”

He wondered how could this person say the things he never even thought he needed to hear until they left his mouth. Taeil was completely frozen for a moment before he gave Donghyuck a small smile. “Yeah,” he whispered.

That was probably the most important thing he didn’t think he needed to hear. Taeil was irreperably hurt by his family. The people who were supposed to be there for him. The people who were supposed to love him and take care of him. The people who he would literally do everything for before. They hurt him over and over again until Taeil realized he had to take care of himself, too. He left his family. But it was still okay to love them and want good things for them despite _everything_ but that didn’t mean that everything _else_ was also forgotten. He would wish good things for them, he would hope for the best for their lives but he didn’t want to have anything to do with them anymore.

And that’s okay.

“Well, I should probably go,” Donghyuck said after a while.

“Yeah,” the other nodded, still a little in daze.

“You should get inside, you know. You can’t keep staring at your bed like that from you door. It’s cold.”

“Yeah, okay,” Taeil said, turning around to look at Donghyuck for a moment before smiling and then, closing the door.

Taeil was wondering which of the _two_ bedsheets he bought should he use first. The first one was completely red, like the free pillow cases which Taeil already put in his pillows, splattered with animated reindeers, Christmas trees, and snowflakes all over while the second one was blue with angrily printed _HAPPY CHRISTMAS_ in varying fonts, sizes and colors. These were also on sale.

He noticed the blue one also has poorly designed wreaths which should have been green but was somehow yellow. It was sale.

Then, he suddenly thought how they looked like little suns, his mind drifting to Donghyuck and his little sun earring.

Donghyuck’s words came back to Taeil and he wondered if his mother cooked kimchi jjigae for Taehyun for that Christmas Eve, if Taehyun liked it _even_ during Christmas Eve, or if his father decided to choose to spend the night with their family over his new one for this year, something his father hadn’t done since he left but he knew would make his mother happy if it happens. He was sitting on his bed and he peered over his window. His family’s house was the opposite direction. He looked at the sky and wished his mother’s health would not deteriorate. He knew of how much she wanted to look after Taehyun for as long as he could. He wished for Taehyun to grow up. His mother would not live forever. He wished for his father to be well and maybe, his siblings from his father’s new family, too, even though Taeil haven’t met them yet.

Taeil thought it was Christmas Eve. Wishes could be unlimited as he thought to those people who weren’t his family but made him feel one anyway.

He wished Dr. Jung would receive back all the good things she was bringing in this world. He wished for Taeyong’s bar to be even more successful. He wished for Yuta’s dream of playing at an international soccer league to come true. He wished for Youngho’s passion and career to make his best friend happy and fulfilled despite the stress. He wished he could sing with the three of them again. He wished Jaemin would find what he truly wanted to do. He wished Renjun and Jeno the same. He wished he could watch the sunrise with them again.

Then, Taeil thought of Donghyuck.

He wished Donghyuck was happy and he wished Donghyuck would not suffer anymore fatal wounds for the rest of his life. Taeil had already seen him with three, two of which he had a personal hand in treating, and he only knew him for barely four months. He wished Donghyuck would be with his friends for a long time. Taeil knew how much his friends were making him happy even if Donghyuck would not openly admit it. He wished for whatever was Donghyuck’s dream that it would come true because he deserved it. Finally, Taeil wished Donghyuck knew how thankful Taeil was to him and how he hoped there would be more chances in the future for him to show just how grateful Taeil was that he came to his life.

He decided on the blue bedsheet because the little suns reminded him of Donghyuck. He jumped out of the bed to fix it.

_You’re the right time_

_At the right moment_

_You’re the sunlight_

_Keeps my heart going_

Taeil looked at the newly made bed _with_ the bedsheet happily, swaying lightly as he continued singing that song he recently discovered that honestly, he was addicted to nowadays. He was halfway through when he turned around and saw the person that he was thinking of.

“Donghyuck, what —”

“You didn’t lock the door.”

“Oh,” Taeil slowly said. “What are you doing here?”

“I’ll tell you if you finish the song.”

Taeil raised a brow, surprised, but he gestured behind Donghyuck and said, “Come in. It’s cold.”

Donghyuck did, closing the door behind him and stepping inside as he watched Taeil walk over his kitchen. He could see something boiling. He looked at the table near him that still has two chairs incidentally. There were already some plates and some bowls on it. He was thinking of what he was doing there when suddenly, Taeil began singing again. Finishing the song like Donghyuck had asked him to.

_Know when I’m with you_

_I can’t keep myself from falling_

He was standing by the stairs for about half an hour, his right foot one step down while his left remained in its place, contemplating what he was doing there. At first, he just wanted to see if Taeil was home. Then, he thought he should at least see what he was doing. Donghyuck thought it was probably his first time to spend Christmas Eve alone.

He saw Taeil’s door was open when he reached the tenth floor. He walked towards his room and was relieved Taeil was not robbed or something else. He was standing by the door, staring ahead. Donghyuck silently walked behind the other and saw the bed that wasn’t there the last time he came over.

Donghyuck didn’t think of staying. Or even if he did, he couldn’t think of a reason why. But when he was about to step down the stairs after he told Taeil he was going, his feet brought him back in front of Taeil’s door when he heard Taeil’s voice, “You’re the sunlight, keep my heart going.”

The door was open, a piece from the furniture delivery stuck in between, which was probably how he could hear Taeil’s voice three doors away. He wondered how could someone as meticulous as Taeil, working part-time at _two_ clinics, could have missed it. He thought he should remind himself to tell Taeil to be more careful.

_Right time at the right moment_

_It’s you_

Taeil finished the song. He turned to face Donghyuck again and the other was still standing by the door. They look at each other for a moment before Taeil said, “Your earring.” _The little sun._ “I like it.”

Donghyuck gave him a small smile. Then, he said, “That song. I like it, too.”

Sometimes, a person would find the right person at the wrong time. Sometimes, it was the wrong person at the right time. It was difficult to tell because how could someone be able to? But when someone finds the right person at the right time, in the right moment, it was like the universe was conspiring for two people. It was almost as if it was written.

One person was not connected to another through harmony alone. They were, instead, linked deeply through their wounds. Everything happened for a reason and sometimes, the reasons weren’t clear. Some they found out almost immediately and some they could live their entire lives trying to figure out. Why things happened the way they did, why they lost someone, and _why_ they met someone.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope people don’t normalize abuse whatever the form is and I hope those who are being subjected to it will find the courage and the chance to get out from that situation. I hope everyone will realize that abuse should not be taken from anybody no matter who they are and that it’s perfectly okay to cut yourself from toxic relationships if they are only making your life worse.
> 
> The two songs Taeil sang in the story are NCT U's 'Timeless' and Henry Lau's 'It's You' which are also the songs that kept me company while writing this.
> 
> The title ‘Komorebi’ (木漏れ日) is a Japanese word that refers to the sunlight that filters through the leaves of trees. The word is made up of three kanji and the hiragana particle れ. The first kanji means "tree" or "trees," the second kanji refers to "escape," and the third kanji means "light" or "sun."
> 
> I hope you enjoyed the story.


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